Storm of the Gods
by sakurademonalchemist
Summary: A single mistake can create big changes, even if the shinobi are too stupid to realize it. Naruto, banned from becoming genin, leaves Konoha with a certain hammer he trips over in his haste to bring the Forbidden Scroll to Mizuki. Wait, the Fourth Hokage wasn't human, but a misplaced god named Thor? WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S MY FATHER! *Set a few decades before Thor*
1. Chapter 1

**Whomsoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor.**

* * *

When he was little, Naruto had a gift. Whenever he was upset, or angry, storm clouds would form around Konoha and it would rain for a week. When he was three, there was an incident with another village that resulted in two enemy nin being almost electrocuted to death because they tried to kill the only witness to a crime they were committing.

Thanks to his actions, a good shinobi was spared as was the girl they were trying to kidnap. However, it alerted the aging Hokage that his gift needed to be curtailed before it got any stronger. At least until he was old enough to handle the responsibility.

And so a second seal was placed on him, in conjunction to the original one he had been given mere hours upon birth.

When he was eight, that seal almost shattered under the strain of trying to protect him. And so it was strengthened and a watch placed on him.

Then everything changed the day of the Academy exams.

He had failed. Miserably at that, all because they didn't allow two out of three jutsu to pass.

And so he jumped at the chance to pass, if only so he could fulfill his dream of being Hokage and gain the respect he deserved. People didn't harass the old man as much as they did him.

He was still carrying the Forbidden Scroll when he damn near crashed into _it_.

Naruto, having slammed into a tree from tripping over something in a minor crater, shook off the collision with practiced ease. Then he went to find out what the heck caused him to have a date with a tree.

It was old. At least old enough to have gotten a lot of growth around it. Clearing away the plants with his old kunai, he stared.

He could feel in his very bones that it was not something that most shinobi could simply order and use at will. There was a sort of aura about it that practically screamed it was a legendary weapon. Possibly enough to earn the title of a super cool shinobi if he learned how to use it.

The moment his hands closed around the hilt, he felt something strange. Like it was testing him. Seeing if he was worthy to wield it. Which was silly. How could a weapon test someone?

He was able to partially lift the hammer, but the shifting of the scroll reminded him he didn't have much time. So he left it on the ground near it, under all the cut away plants so he could come back and get it later.

* * *

His life was ruined, all because of that damn Mizuki.

Sure, he got some super cool jutsu out of it, but it wasn't worth being banned from taking the exams and being put under watch for the rest of his life.

Those old crones that 'advised' the old man had made it clear that Naruto would _never_ be a shinobi if they had any say in it, not after he was caught by a hiding ANBU with the scroll. Even if Mizuki was caught and arrested, the fact remained he had stolen an important document.

Because he hadn't graduated, he was still under the watch of the civilian council. That meant they had almost complete control over his life.

He was sick of it. He was sick of Konoha and sick of being jerked around like a puppet.

After eating his ramen, he came to a decision. He'd leave Konoha. He knew that other villages would be interested in a kid who could steal an S-class document and take out a Kage with a single jutsu! It wasn't like he had anything left to lose anymore.

Sure he'd miss Ayame and Teuchi, and their delicious ramen. And Iruka, to an extent, if only because he wasn't a total dick like Mizuki.

The old man had been rather harsh with him, so he had no real opinions on the one person who had kept him alive for the demon he contained.

Oh yes, Mizuki had been positively gleeful about dropping that little bomb on him before he tried to steal the scroll from him.

He gathered up what little he could call his own. Namely his plants and the few clothes that weren't basically scraps at this point. He finished off the food in the fridge, as he had always been quite good at foraging compared to the other students.

He could live out in the wild, so long as he avoided people.

And he could pick up that weapon he tripped over. He highly doubted anyone would actually _miss_ the thing, considering how overgrown it had been.

* * *

Heimdall had felt the tremors in the stars long before Thor went missing. He was alive, but no longer in the physical form. A fact that devastated his mother, and to some extent Loki as well.

So when he felt the song of Mjolnir once more, he barely dared to hope.

The first song was faint, barely able to reach Asgard. The second time was much stronger, and he knew someone had claimed the Hammer.

Using his powers, he was able to find a single blond boy who bore remarkable resemblance to Thor, only he most certainly wasn't him.

A son, perhaps?

Heimdall sent a summons to Odin. If this was Thor's heir, then they needed to be ready for him.

"What is it Heimdall? What do you see?" asked Odin, when he arrived less than half an hour later. He had come as soon as he could, hoping the gatekeeper had found Thor.

"Sire, someone has claimed Thor's hammer."

Odin felt a surge of hope. Perhaps Thor had found his weapon after so long?

"It is a child."

It took a few moments to process this declaration, before Odin carefully asked "Do you believe it to be Thor's?"

"There is some resemblance to the mortal form he was banished in. More than enough to warrant a test of his blood to see if there is indeed a legacy."

"Where is he?"

"I shall summon him momentarily. He is too deep in territory that could draw undue attention to us, and might bring the mortals to Asgard. They have techniques that span the realm of time and space," explained Heimdall.

It took far too long for Odin's liking, but once the child was far enough from the mortal's "hidden village" he acted.

The moments it took for the Bifrost to bring it's surprised passenger were almost unbearable. The entire kingdom had mourned when it heard Thor was unreachable and possibly lost.

Odin examined the boy, who had ran until he was so tired he couldn't possibly stay awake. He looked like a peasant at best, and an orphan at worst.

"Bring him to Eir. We shall test the bloodline while she examines him," said Odin. He could see Mjolnir was clearly visible in the child's rough bag, nestled safely next to some plants that were well cared for.

"As you wish sire," agreed Heimdall.

It had been far too long since they had any hope to find Thor. If not for the hammer, Heimdall never would have been able to find where he landed, for he had somehow been thrown horribly off course.

* * *

Frigga was quick to pounce on her husband when she heard of the child now safely in the infirmary.

"Is it true? Has he returned?" she asked, not daring to hope.

"Patience, wife. Thor has not returned, but there is a possibility he left a child behind. A boy has claimed Thor's hammer, and Heimdall has retrieved him from one of the mortal worlds," said Odin.

Frigga sagged. She wanted her son back, but the idea of a grandson to spoil and train was enough to lift her spirits.

"I have Eir testing his blood now to see if he is indeed Thor's son. Even if he is not, he will be welcomed as one of our family."

Eir walked up to the king and his wife. Her face spoke volumes.

"My lord Odin, I have tested the blood. He does bear the prince's bloodline. The child is indeed Thor's son. However... while we were examining him we found something strange. Prince Loki is examining the boy as we speak."

Frigga didn't hesitate. This child was the last link to her first born, and anything that required Loki's help generally meant magical interference.

* * *

Naruto didn't open his eyes immediately. He knew something weird had happened because he had most definitely fallen asleep on the cold unforgiving ground, and now he was on the softest bed he had ever been on in his life. Plus the smell was all wrong, as were the sounds.

Some of the lessons at the Academy stuck, much as he hated that place and everything to do with it.

He woke up slowly, and took stock of his surroundings.

He definitely wasn't in Konoha anymore. He noticed his plants were safely on the table next to him, as was that weird hammer he found. Though it was on the floor and on it's side. He also found his goggles on the table, next to the plants. His clothes were nowhere to be found.

He also found a glass of water, which was great because he was really thirsty.

"It looks like you're finally awake," said a pleasant voice.

He settled on a woman with a motherly feel about her. Something about her seemed to tell him he could trust her, and it didn't feel fake like it did with shinobi. Try as they might, he could always tell when they were just putting on a show.

That was because they could never put down their assassin's instinct.

She didn't have that.

"Who are you?"

"My name is Frigga. I'm your grandmother."

…

"EH?!"

"So my nephew has finally woken up?" asked Loki.

"Yes. Aside from some malnutrition which we can remedy rather easily and the strange markings on him, there seems to be no damage. He's unusually well developed for his age however. Queen Frigga is with him now."

"Likely explaining why it took so long for us to find him, and where he is," snorted Loki.

A minor punishment spiraled completely out of hand, and now they were finally cleaning up the last of the mess left behind. The boy was Thor's heir, and it was clear he would need to be trained.

The moment Loki removed that odd magical seal on the boy's neck, storm clouds had filled the room. It had taken an hour for him to disperse them, and the child wasn't even trying to cause trouble. But what worried him the most was the fact he sensed a great beast lurking in the boy's mind. One that was unusually intelligent, for the brief time he had spoke with it.

This "Kyuubi" was more than happy to fill in some of the blanks, like why the boy had abandoned the mortal's village and had been sleeping in the woods with the bare minimum to survive.

Frigga had been absolutely _livid_.

Finally Loki went in, and found the boy animatedly chatting about plants of all things.

"Naruto, this is your Uncle Loki."

Blue eyes like a wild sea looked into his emerald green. Something about them seemed familiar, and then he recalled what the massive fox spirit had told him.

This was someone who understood very well the same pain Loki had gone through years ago. It had taken Thor being essentially declared dead for him to reconcile with his parents, even if finding out he had been adopted had come as a nasty shock.

"Hi," he said shyly.

Right, the boy wasn't used to having family, much less people who genuinely cared about him. Perhaps a good shock might loosen his tongue.

"That massive fox you have sealed inside of you was quite vocal about his approval of you leaving. Something about red eyes not being able to find him on another world," said Loki dryly.

The boy's eyes went wide, and he almost thought for a moment they would pop out in shock.

"You... You talked with the Kyuubi?" he said in shock.

"You'll find that most things with that level of power are generally intelligent enough to converse. The trick is convincing them it's worth their time to do so. He's not a mindless beast," said Loki.

Naruto looked pensive, until he suddenly realized there was yet another storm cloud hovering over him. He tried to swat it away, only to be shocked by a tiny lightning bolt for his trouble. His already spiky hair was now standing on end.

"Stupid clouds. Why do they keep coming back?" he complained.

Loki smirked.

"I found a magical seal on your neck that was used to repress your natural powers. Someone went to a lot of trouble making sure you were unable to learn how to control them naturally."

The moment he heard that, Naruto scowled at the reminder. It was remarkably like Loki's own angry scowl when someone went out of their way to cause him trouble. Though most generally didn't anymore because he could be twice as nasty.

"Stupid old man. I bet he had something to do with it."

"Ah yes... your fire shadow. I believe mother and Odin would be _delighted_ to speak to him," said Loki. Though his tone of voice practically said volumes of how that meeting would end up going.

The fox had also been paying more attention than the one who was unlucky enough to be his prison. He knew that the old man had only done the bare minimum of providing for him, and despite his wishes, Naruto had almost no connections to the village at all. At this point he could care less if it burned so long as one or two people were allowed to escape the disaster.

Which mostly consisted of the ramen chef and his daughter.

"Not my problem. If you want to light a fire under the old man's ass, I could provide you all the blackmail material you'd need," said Naruto.

"Oh?"

"He's a total pervert. He has this secret safe behind the bookshelf that has all these orange books written by some sage that are full of adult-only material. If you stole them all, he'd panic more than if you stole the Forbidden Scroll. Though if you did, I wouldn't recommend opening them since I trapped most of them," said Naruto vindictively.

Frigga hid a smile.

"I think you and your uncle are going to get along just fine. But I better not hear that you've been corrupting your nephew," said Frigga.

"How could I ever corrupt him?" asked Loki innocently. Naruto snorted from the bed.

"You need to work on your innocent face more. I barely know you and even I can tell it's completely fake," said Naruto flatly.

Loki smirked at him.

"I can tell we're going to have a lot of fun together."


	2. Chapter 2

While word quickly spread about a lost son of Thor, very few had actually seen the boy in person. This was in no small part due to the fact that because of the seal, Naruto had very little, if any, control over the storms that kept popping up.

Loki gave him a month before he learned to control them.

It was only natural then that when Lady Sif met a blond child with blue eyes, she was unaware of his true heritage. She had been out keeping the peace when he had been found, after all.

Unfortunately it would go down in the memories of the guards that while Thor's lost son might look like his father, he almost certainly took after Loki in personality. And to make matters worse he was far more experienced than the prince in evading capture, and had all the energy of a squirrel on coffee.

It was really a pity about that vase.

* * *

It had been a perfectly ordinary day, and Sif had taken to the training grounds. Word had reached her about a legacy left by Thor, which sounded ridiculous because last time she checked, he had no heir. Ever since he was declared dead, some child or another popped up out of the woodwork claiming to be his heir every year or so, if not sooner.

So when she found a blond child watching her with open interest, she attempted to ignore him.

However after a few hours, the child got bored and started talking. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, save for the fact that the brat wouldn't _shut up._

Considering his hair color and the fact he wasn't being chased out by the guards, she was betting he was the result of one of Fandral's indiscretions. He was a loud mouth as well, and he did somewhat look like him.

Finally she couldn't take it anymore.

"Look you little nuisance, why don't you go play?" she said irritably. Ever since Thor disappeared, they had been working harder than ever to keep the peace.

"I'm not allowed to leave the castle grounds until I learn to keep my power under control," said the blond nuisance.

"Then go bother someone else!" said Sif irate.

"I'm supposed to stay in one place until it's time for my lessons, so I picked here. It's peaceful."

There were many words to describe the royal training grounds, but peaceful wasn't one of them. In fact it was downright noisy with all the training going on.

Sif's annoyance only got worse as the afternoon seemed to drag on. The brat didn't leave and more importantly wouldn't let her train in peace.

She had enough.

"Look, just go away and leave me alone you stupid brat! Children shouldn't even _be_ here, so go run along to your mother!"

She completely missed the hurt look on his face, which quickly shifted into a blank one. Had she known more about him, she would have been more worried about what he did next.

"Suit yourself lady, but don't come whining to my uncle when you realize that words hurt," said the boy cryptically.

Oh how she would come to hate being on the wrong end of the boy's devious mind...

 _An hour later..._

Sif was rather irritated when Fandral didn't own up to the pest she had dealt with earlier.

She was about to head into her room when it happened. Something foul smelling and sticky was dumped onto her as she tripped over a wire she hadn't spotted quickly enough.

Shrieking in rage, she immediately started to look for Loki. It took her two seconds to spot the smug expression on that blond child's face, before she immediately began chasing him.

She didn't care who's child he was, he was going to get what he deserved.

"GET BACK HERE YOU BRAT!"

"Catch me if you can, old hag!" he countered with a laugh.

Sif hated to admit it, but the boy was quick and more slippery than an eel. Every time she thought she had him, he would use the nearby surroundings and practically jump around like a monkey, evading her grasp. As fit as she was, she wasn't nearly as adept at making hairpin turns or using her surroundings to her advantage.

And the one time she tried throwing a knife at him to startle him into slowing, or panicking, he expertly dodged it, then grabbed it and tossed it back in her general direction. It was a very sloppy throw, but the fact was that his aim was almost good enough to hit her... and that had caught her off guard.

It took her a few moments to realize her quarry had escaped. And half an hour before she gave up and cut her losses.

 _With Naruto_...

He was grinning madly, despite being in the "custody" of his uncle. Loki had come looking for him, partly for his magic training (he was five minutes late) but mostly because he had heard the commotion.

"May I ask what Lady Sif did to earn a bucket full of some rather foul smelling slime and oils?"

"She called me a stupid brat, and she wasn't very nice."

It didn't take much for him to put two and two together. Lady Sif had only returned, and had obviously run into his nephew in the training ground where he liked to watch the guards practice. Her foul mood had caused her to be short with him which resulted in Naruto playing a rather minor, if embarrassing prank.

The best part was that Loki could honestly claim no responsibility for the mess, as Naruto hadn't consulted him on the appropriate level for a simple revenge prank, and had evaded capture with the ease of an expert who was used to being chased by enraged warriors.

And Frigga had worried that he would corrupt Naruto. The only thing he'd be doing was refine the boy's technique and give him advice on how to incorporate _his_ style of pranks.

"You've got that evil look on your face again. Imagining how much trouble I could cause when I use magic rather than simple traps?" grinned Naruto.

"It takes a prankster to understand a fellow agent of chaos. And mother thought I'd be the one corrupting you."

"Pranks are the best way to force people into noticing you, if only to beat you into a bloody pulp," said Naruto sagely.

"Don't think I didn't notice that sloppy throw. If you're going to be using knives you are going to learn how to throw and actually hit the broad side of a frost giant," said Loki. Seeing Naruto perk up at the idea, Loki grinned wider.

It was nice having a minion...er, apprentice... to train. Especially one with a like mind. Plus there was the small fact he'd be getting a good show once Sif found out who's son Naruto was.

"Now it's time for you to learn the basics of magic."

"Yay! Training!" said Naruto with genuine enthusiasm.

* * *

Naruto fidgeted in his seat, mostly because he wasn't used to having clothes that not only fit, but were his actual size. Thankfully the guy in charge of taking his measurements had put some orange in. Something about him being a summer more than a spring or winter, whatever that meant.

He was born in the fall as far as he knew.

"I would tell you to sit still, but I know it's pointless. Instead try to contain your boredom until it's time to eat. No one expects you to know all the formal table manners right away, so do your best to keep your mouth shut while you chew and never talk with food in your mouth," said Loki.

"I know. Ayame-nee-chan made sure to correct my eating habits one year when she found out the orphanage never bothered," said Naruto.

Loki made a note of anyone that seemed to genuinely care about the boy. So far the only ones to make that extremely short list were a chef and his daughter.

It also became very apparent that the boy had absolutely no idea how to use a fork or a knife, but he was very adept at using two odd sticks he had brought with him.

Loki had taken a trip to Midgard, and had learned they were called "chopsticks". They were very common in the "Asian" countries as eating utensils, most notably for rice.

It had taken little effort to also learn that Naruto's favorite food was from a small island country called 'Japan'.

He wondered how quickly a new food type would catch on if they just so happened to bring this "Ayame" and "Teuchi" to Asgard long enough for them to set up shop. Despite being a trade center, most foods had been around for quite some time and a new style would most likely go over very well. Particularly if word got around that a recently discovered son of a popular price was frequenting the place regularly.

He made a point to pick up more of these...chopsticks...so that Naruto would be able to eat with more than just his hands. Considering the nation was still in recovery from some sort of dangerous explosive device that hit two different cities, no one questioned why he was there.

From the looks of it, the mortals had only recently ended a war a few years earlier.

Loki didn't bother hiding his grin when Sif spotted Naruto at the table in a place of honor. It was clear what her thought processes were, and he couldn't wait to see the expression on her face when she heard Odin's announcement. This would be Naruto's official debut among the Asgard elite, which would trickle down back to their allies and spread across the nine realms. As he wasn't even considered an adult, and had been in a rather backwater world that hadn't even begun to visit space, no one would question the fact he stayed close to Asgard while they brought him up to speed.

Odin stood and everyone was more or less silent. They were all very curious about the blond child between Loki and Frigga, where Thor used to sit.

"Everyone, many years ago I was forced to banish my own son from Asgard as punishment for his arrogance. All the nine realms mourned his loss when he was declared effectively dead. However, Heimdall came to me with joyous news that Thor's Hammer had been found. More importantly, it was claimed by a small child who fit the right age when my son was killed. May I present to you Thor's legacy, his son Naruto."

There was stunned silence, and for a moment Naruto worried that he wouldn't be accepted. Then the roar of approval and joy was heard, nearly making him flinch. To be fair, he had no idea how popular his father had been before he vanished. Everyone loved Thor, so finding out he had had a son before his death meant they loved Naruto by extension.

It was a strange feeling.

However the best part was seeing the look on Lady Sif's face. Her mouth was wide open in disbelief and horror.

…

There was music, there was plenty of food (he got into an eating competition with Volstagg and won, to the amusement of Loki), and he was more popular than Fandral was for an entire night. Fortunately no one expected him to be a prodigy, though they watched with approval whenever he managed to reign in the minor storms he kept creating over his head. Apparently Thor had similar issues when he was a child, but had learned to control it over the years. When told his age (he was a child in many ways to the Asgard) no one questioned the lack of control.

Loki carried his nephew to his room, where he was out cold before he was even in the bed. For a child who normally had energy to spare, he considered that a victory in itself. Frigga watched the entire thing with approval.

It was clear Naruto was very good for Loki, who normally hung to the side. Especially around Lady Sif and the Warriors Three.

Naruto had gravitated to Loki without even realizing the significance of it. It had forced Loki into the limelight as Naruto unconsciously sought his approval the entire night.

He accepted Frigga's status as his grandmother, and Odin's status as the King (though it was clear he put Odin on the same level of a "shadow" with less paperwork to deal with to make it easier to remember), but in terms of who he preferred to look up to, it was obvious he preferred Loki.

"You would make an good father for the boy. I'm sure Thor would approve."

Loki blinked, as if such an idea had never occurred to him. It likely hadn't. After all, Naruto had only been in Asgard little over four days.

"I'm not sure that others would agree."

Frigga tutted at him.

"Come now Loki, surely you've noticed that out of all of us you are the only one that the boy has consistently gone to for advice and support. He trusts me to a point, but whenever he needed help you were the first person he sought out. I assume you're also responsible for the prank on Lady Sif earlier."

Word had already spread about Lady Sif being covered in some rather foul smelling concoction and forced to walk through half the palace just to reach her room and clean up. Everyone assumed Loki had done it.

Loki snorted in amusement.

"That was all Naruto's doing. I had no idea he had pranked Sif until I caught him because he was late for his lessons."

Frigga held a hand to her mouth to hide her amusement. She had heard the full story from the guards earlier about how Sif had been short with a "blond brat" she had assumed was one of Fandral's, only for the boy to prank her and lead her on a merry chase through the palace.

Finding out the boy who had cost her some dignity was Thor's heir had come as a very nasty shock for her.

It was yet another sign that Naruto would likely enjoy being Loki's adopted son.

* * *

It took less than three hours for word to spread that Thor's Hammer had not only been found, but so had an heir. While some stumbled on the boy's name, the fact remained that the line hadn't been broken.

Enemies of Asgard started making plans to dispose of the child, while their allies rejoiced at the fact that Thor had at least left behind an heir to the throne, thus securing the line of succession.

Meanwhile, on a certain planet an old man was reaping the seeds he had sown in his folly, worried sick about a small blond child who had gone missing without a trace, save for a strange seal that not even Jiraiya could figure out.


	3. Chapter 3

_Six months later..._

"Come on Naruto, put some effort into it!" said Loki.

Eight knives sailed through the air and thudded into the target. Most, if not all, landed in the center.

His aim had improved dramatically, and it didn't hurt that they had forged some new kunai for him to use, all of which were sharp enough to do some real damage. Naruto never regretted picking up the hammer, or leaving the village once.

It had been the best decision of his life and he was enjoying every moment of it. So was the fox inside his body.

It had taken them three months for Kurama to finally reveal his name, and another month for Loki to find a way to fashion a makeshift body so that he could roam around. It wasn't very big, barely the same size as a horse, but it was still an improvement over the prison he had been stuck in for over half a century.

It was because Loki gave Kurama even a small fraction of his freedom back (with the agreement not to seal him again so long as he didn't cause trouble and guarded Naruto) that the fox had let slip something that had given Frigga and Odin some hope.

Thor wasn't _entirely_ as dead as they had been lead to believe.

As punishment for invoking a local god to seal Kurama into his son, Thor and his wife had had their souls sealed in as well. It was likely the shinigami had recognized what, or more accurately _who_ Thor was and decided to add a lesson on top of what Odin had already put into place.

As such, Naruto was not only carrying around a massive fox with an anger management issue, but the souls of his parent as well.

Odin had gone to Hel, the ruler of the realms of the dead and asked what needed to be done to free Thor and his wife.

The results weren't very promising. The only way to free Thor and Kushina Uzumaki would be to use at least two (three would be preferable) Infinity stones. Specifically the stones governing the Soul, Mind and Reality.

It was dangerous enough having _two_ of those together, never mind three. And they had all been lost or deliberately sealed away.

So Frigga and Loki discreetly kept looking, all the while they started catching Naruto up on the training he should have had years ago.

He had caught up most of it rather quickly when Loki discovered a unique aspect of the "shadow clone jutsu", and had abused it accordingly to insure Naruto's education was adequate. Thor had never been the most tactful of people, but he had at least known when to keep his mouth shut and to use words rather than violence to get things done.

It would seem that this...Konoha...hadn't realized what an asset they lost by neglecting his son.

It had taken a few months for Loki to realize what his mother meant, and when he did he didn't waste any time adopting Naruto. Until they found a way to free Thor and his wife from the seal without killing their son or the fox, Loki would be the father figure in his life. Naruto had been beyond thrilled at the idea, and had taken to copying Loki to some extent.

Though that didn't mean he lost his trademark orange. Not by a long shot. He always had it on him _somewhere_ , but now it was in tasteful moderation and didn't make people want to gouge their eyes out.

He was still the same prankster he had been before (much to the annoyance of people like Amara and her thug, who were usually on his short list of people to hit), and he was still faster than most of the guards or his father.

The only difference now was that people actually wanted to train him, and he seemed to grow in leaps and bounds whenever it came to fighting.

Loki had learned rather quickly that teaching the small stuff was going to be nearly impossible for Naruto to use effectively when it came to magic. His reserves were simply too big for him to cast minor illusions or spells without it blowing up in his face.

So he started with the big stuff that almost no one used (particularly if it involved the weather or using the wind in some way) and then dialed it down until he couldn't bring it back anymore. It was doing wonders for his control issues.

Naruto looked at his dad, who smiled at him proudly.

"Well done. Keep this up and I might take you out to the bazaar to pick up a few more books to read."

Naruto perked up. He loved to read once Loki had shown him how. Having someone with the patience and time to explain things to him had made a vast difference, and once given a chance he absorbed things like a sponge that had been dry for a long time and was suddenly dropped in the ocean.

He still hated etiquette and politics, but he could sit still long enough as long as he was worn out from training.

Kurama only woke up when training was over. He was considered "Prince Naruto's pet" at this point, but as long as no one harassed him about it he didn't care. It was still a better arrangement than he had before.

He walked alongside Naruto, acting as a visible guard for him. Despite all of Loki's best efforts, Kurama was still restricted to less than half a mile from Naruto before the seal forced him back.

* * *

It didn't take long for Naruto to spot something that caught his interest. Or to be more accurate, for his nose to twitch at a familiar smell that had his mouth watering.

"No way..."

Loki smirked as Naruto practically teleported to a decently sized restaurant that had just opened a few days ago.

Hearing his son's happy shout told Loki that the effort of convincing the father/daughter duo to relocate to an unknown location had been entirely worth it.

The village known as Konoha seemed to lose some of it's appeal when Naruto went missing, and very little was being done to find him. Hearing the circumstances behind why he disappeared, and realizing that far too many of the villagers were very happy to see him gone had made it pathetically easy for Loki to swoop in and convince Teuchi that perhaps relocating to a bigger building that could have a potentially large customer base was a good idea. Finding out that the rent would be part of the payment for the building had made the deal even more enticing.

It was only after he had packed up everything and left that Loki dropped the bomb that the new "village" they were moving to was where Naruto was staying at.

Loki went in and saw his son happily catching up with his two favorite people from his home. Any chance of him even remotely considering returning to that world were just shot to hell, from his son's expression.

"Hey old man, come meet my new dad!" said Naruto loudly.

It took Teuchi three seconds to recognize Loki. Once Naruto was successfully distracted by the food, he discreetly spoke to him.

"You brought us here deliberately to insure he doesn't go back, didn't you?"

"That and because you two were the only people he spoke of that seemed to actually care about his well being. The fact you've done your best to care and protect for him as well as you could considering the circumstances was more than enough to reward you with a new client base. And once word spreads that he frequents this restaurant quite regularly you'll have no end of customers to choose from. Though if you have someone by the name of Volstagg come in, make sure he pays up front whenever possible."

"That man's like an Akimichi. Wasn't too hard to guess he might try a dine and dash," said Teuchi smugly, patting a rather familiar sack of gold.

Now that they were on the same page, Loki tried to emulate his son using the chopsticks. It took some getting used too, especially considering how adept Naruto was at using them, whereas Loki was more accustomed to knives and forks.

As if having a new type of food hadn't already made Ichiraku's insanely popular among the commoners, hearing that the youngest prince frequented it with astonishing regularity (at least three times a week) made it even more popular.

Sure being paid in coins was a bit strange (mostly in getting used to the new currency) but at least here he didn't have to pay an insurance in case of enemy shinobi attack, or worry if his daughter might be captured in the event of an invasion.

Loki would have groaned. Trying to find three of the six Infinity Stones was giving him a headache. Seeing his son walk into the massive library, he decided to take a break.

"What are you and grandmother working so hard on?"

"We're trying to find certain stones to free your mother and father from that seal without killing them in the process."

Naruto cocked his head in confusion.

"Wait, aren't the stones like really, really well hidden so that even hints of where they are would be insanely difficult to locate?"

"Yes."

"Then why don't we just find the one that governs time and simply switch them with a couple of fakes? I mean if there was a different seal to hold back Kurama, then they wouldn't be trapped in it, and we'd be able to catch them up on what happened after the fact," said Naruto.

Loki blinked, ran that through his head and looked ready to hit himself.

"I'm becoming too much like Thor. Why didn't I think of that?"

Replace the seal with something that wouldn't summon a death god, grab the idiot and his wife, then bring them back to Asgard. Sure they'd be displaced by time but that was a trivial concern to having _three_ of those blasted stones close together.

Besides, he had already noticed a hint of where the Time Stone might be located, and had dismissed it. Now the only trick was to find a seal they could use to replace the one on his son's stomach without disrupting the timeline too much.

It looked like he'd be making yet another trip to that blasted planet to pick up as many books on sealing as he could get.

"When I get back next week you're going to help me find a seal that won't restrict your...friend...too much but be good enough to hold the majority of him in once I start fiddling with it," said Loki.

"Why me?"

"Because this will involve 'chakra', and despite my proficiency in magic I'm still having trouble deciphering how to use such energy."

That and he was apparently too old for his "coils" to be unlocked, so trying to learn outside of books was pointless.

* * *

Loki used the old paths, and came back in two weeks rather than one. He had to dodge those pathetic shinobi half the time, which was why it took so long. Especially one particularly annoying old man with toads, and another that set his skin scrawling that seemed to have a fascination with snakes.

Considering how much this "Orochimaru" annoyed him, he also pilfered some of his personal research notes as revenge. He also snagged what looked like a massive scroll that fit the basic description of a "summoning contract" that Kurama had told him about.

He promptly dumped most of the books in Naruto's room.

"I want to see some progress in a decent amount of time, since I still have trouble with this chicken-scratch you call words."

Naruto looked up from his book, then at the ones his father practically dumped on him.

"I've never been very good at reading it either," said Naruto. Hell, he was better at reading the books here than he was at reading Kanji.

"And if I got you a tutor in these...shinobi arts?"

"I might be able to figure it out eventually."

"We'll make a trip to this one place I found that has several rather strong 'shinobi'. That and it'll teach the man running it not to mess with me a second time."

"...Want me to give him a Naruto special?"

"Absolutely," said Loki vindictively.

It had become very clear after a mere year that Naruto was just as terrifying to piss off as his father. While his pranks were childish, they were far more creative in their execution. People had to keep an eye out if they had annoyed him, because he would leave traps in places that had his victims and those around them embarrassed for a few hours. And unlike Loki, he didn't have to rely on magic.

It was actually the reason why he kept getting past Amara and her thug, who had taken to avoiding Asgard while Naruto was there. He didn't use magic to set up the traps...and she never once considered that he climbed through the window to get into her room. She had spells against flying into it, but not someone who used simple climbing techniques to get in. especially considering how high up her room was.

"Which village is it? If it's Stone then I can't go, because they hate my father," said Naruto.

Loki shook his head.

"It's some place called 'Sound'."

* * *

 _Two months later..._

Naruto took his first breath of the air inside the Elemental Countries...and for a brief moment it felt like he was home. Then reality reasserted itself and he remembered the truth. It wasn't home, and it never had been. Asgard had been more of a home than this place ever was, and it had never been his fault.

It was the shinobi and the civilians who took out their misdirected anger towards someone who had been just as much a victim as they were. And because of what he held, he'd never be allowed to be anything _but_ a shinobi because of the fact they considered the tailed beasts to be weapons.

It was pathetic, really.

"Say dad...would it be possible for us to find and rescue others like me from this forsaken place?"

"I sincerely doubt there are any other heirs to thrones here," deadpanned Loki.

"I was referring to other people who held tailed beasts. I bet they'd like to get away from all the constant fighting and arguing over who did what from before they were born."

"We can look into it later, preferably once Thor ascends the throne like he should have years ago."

"Right, gotta find someone to teach me how to read kanji properly and how to use chakra more efficiently."

With their disguises firmly in place, and Kurama's signature effectively hidden under a civilian's amount of chakra, they wandered into Grass country, where Loki had followed the girl who he noticed earlier. She had a fiery temper, but her control was efficient and she was often reading difficult books.

 _Some time later in the Hidden Grass village..._

Karin thought she was being paranoid at first. Who would want to follow a nobody like her? She was just a genin with a proficiency in healing jutsu. There were more important people to follow and kidnap.

But...she kept seeing people following her. It was never the same people, but the illusion they had wasn't enough to dispel her paranoia.

Finally she couldn't take it anymore.

And she ended up cornered by a blond kid and a man with green eyes.

She had a kunai in one hand, and was fully prepared to unleash a nasty genjutsu on them both.

"Wow, you were right dad. She is good."

"Who are you?" she demanded.

The father raised an eyebrow.

"We came to offer you a job and a way out of being used as cannon fodder for a village that doesn't seem to really care about it's soldiers."

Okay, that wasn't what she was expecting at all.

"What?" she said befuddled.

"I suck at kanji and my chakra control is shot to hell because it's too big. It's easier to kidnap someone who reads the more difficult books and has decent control than it is to grab some jounin. In exchange you get free room, food and the ability to anywhere you want within reason."

"Why not simply hire me then?"

The father snorted.

"Because I know for a fact you're working with a snake-obsessed fool, and this way you can't use anything you learn against us later."

Karin stiffened.

"There's also the fact we'd pay you handsomely for your help," said the boy, holding up a coin.

Karin stared at them incredulous.

"Just so I have this straight. For helping you read some kanji and work on your chakra control, I get free room and board and I get paid in actual gold. And I'd be allowed to travel within reason wherever I want."

"Exactly," said the blond.

"Well there's only one thing to ask. Who are you people and where do I sign up?"

"My name is Uzumaki Naruto, and this is my dad Loki," said the blond cheerfully.

Karin blinked.

"Uzumaki? As in the Uzumaki clan?"

"From what I've been able to ascertain, his mother was supposed to be the next clan head, had it not be for the fact that the clan was scattered."

"Your mom was aunt Kushina? Why didn't you say so in the first place?!" said Karin.

"I didn't think it mattered."

Karin pinched the bridge of her nose.

"If you had said you were family, then you could have simply gone to the main office and said you were reclaiming me for the clan. There wouldn't be any need to hire me."

 _Later..._

Karin had all her things sealed into a single scroll, including the books she borrowed from Orochimaru. She took one last look at Kusa village, then left without a second backward glance. She barely liked that place anyway.

Needless to say Naruto had great fun ribbing her about the fact she _fainted_ the first time she saw Asgard and realizing she'd be living in the palace in one of the guest quarters.


	4. Chapter 4

"Report."

"Well I confirmed Naruto's alive. And he's apparently traveling with a man with piercing green eyes and a regal attitude. From the looks of it he was somehow found by one of the noble families and adopted," said Jiraiya.

Sarutobi Hiruzen sagged in his chair.

Naruto was alive. Just those three words seemed to lift a great deal of weight off his shoulders.

"Any idea who has him?"

"The only thing we have to go on is a name and a basic description. Whoever he is, he's good at illusions. Goes by the name Loki."

"Why Kusa?"

"Sorry?"

"Why would Naruto be in Kusa now of all times?"

"From what I was able to get out of my contact, he went to the main administration building to file a claim on one of their genin. Here's the file."

"Uzumaki Karin."

"He filed it as the heir of the Uzumaki clan, and once they confirmed he was Kushina's son they handed her over without a fuss. One genin isn't going to make much difference, and from what I got they assumed he was still with us."

Sarutobi grimaced. It wasn't public knowledge or even rumored, but the loss of their jinchuriki was a hard blow. Danzo had been secretly sending out his illegal troops to find and capture Naruto, if only to reseal the fox into one of his pawns.

The fact that he had been unable to find a single hint of Naruto meant he was unusually well hidden until now.

"Keep an eye out for Naruto. If you find him, I want you to do your best to make him your new apprentice. After that mess with Mizuki there's no way he'll be allowed to make genin normally."

Any other academy student, and it would have been met with suspicion for years and a lowered risk of them making chunin, much less jounin.

But this was Naruto, who was almost universally hated in his home village. The councils had it out for him because of what he represented and held, and this was just the worst screw up in his career. And because of what he was, he'd never be able to be anything _but_ a shinobi.

Forcing Jiraiya to make him his apprentice was the only way he'd be able to help a child he considered his grandson.

It was days like this that made him wish Minato hadn't died defeating the fox.

 _In Asgard..._

"Get back here with my glasses Naruto!" shouted Karin. She had become a familiar sight in the palace, and much to the relief of the guards having her around helped to curtail some of Naruto's revenge pranking.

Some, not all though. If they made the mistake of pissing her off, she'd usually help.

Karin was considered a permanent addition to the palace, as she wasn't exactly inclined to leave after being 'rescued' by her cousin. Apparently it was very common in the Elemental countries for extended families to stick together, or at least within shouting distance. And the Uzumaki had always been a close knit family.

At this point she was more like a red-haired older sister of his, and she really didn't mind living in the palace overly much... she stayed outdoors most days anyway.

Despite being bigger than most houses she had ever been in, she felt overwhelmed being in such a grand place.

With her help, Naruto was able to figure out how to read the books on seals and how to use his chakra more efficiently. Though it had been rather hilarious to see Frigga's face when she saw him literally walking on water.

Naruto grinned, slid around the banister, and kept on running. So Karin got creative and used a genjutsu of a bowl of ramen on one of the tables.

The second he slowed down was when he was caught.

She tackled him and reclaimed her missing glasses.

"I got tricked again!" complained Naruto.

"Not my fault if you're addicted to ramen."

Or that the palace chefs had no idea how to properly cook it.

The both looked up when they heard a cough. It was Loki.

"Dad/Loki-sensei!" came the duo cries of Naruto and Karin.

Karin's ability to illusions also extended to magic, and as part of her agreement to help train Naruto, Loki refined that ability. As such, she had immediately started calling him Loki-sensei.

"Dare I ask what he did now?"

"Stole my glasses," said Karin.

"You're almost late for your lessons with Lady Eir."

Karin eeped, before racing off to meet with the healer.

Her talents for healing meant she had gravitated towards lady Eir. While she couldn't teach her how to use healing chakra, she could teach her how to heal using magic, which Loki openly admitted he wasn't very good at. Eir had been delighted to have such an enthusiastic student.

However that didn't mean she tolerated lateness. Apprentices who were late without a very good reason (such as being held up by one of the royal family, and Naruto didn't count) got the worst assignments for the day.

"As for you, you're to get to reading those scrolls."

Naruto nodded.

"I've almost got the second tier seals figured out. Karin said that the Uzumaki were always known to have a knack for seals, and that once I learned how to read properly without having the words jump around the page that my ability with them shot up."

Naruto had figured out the trick to reading, which still had Karin shaking her head in amusement. He abused the hell out of the shadow clone jutsu.

By having a hundred clones reading similar books at the same time, he was able to clear his head of any random thoughts. It was the strangest thing Loki had seen, but it was extremely effective and as all the information came back to Naruto in the end. It allowed him to cover the library in a more efficient manner.

Loki shook his head and sent Naruto off to read.

 _Three months later..._

He was sure he had it. In fact he was almost certain of it. Checking other books about the time that he had borrowed from other realms about ancient legends made him almost certain of it. The trick now was convincing his father to let him go look.

"What is it?" asked Loki, while they were in the library.

"I think I found the Infinity stone governing time. From my research I think it's somewhere in Jotunheim," said Naruto, not bothering to hide what they were talking about. Loki wasn't fooled for a moment, he knew Amara was in Asgard at the moment and so was her thug. If Naruto wasn't bothering to hide his voice or discussion, then obviously he wanted to send them on a wild goose chase.

Seeing a familiar spy of Amara in the library, Loki withheld a snort of derision. Obviously Amara would head to Jotunheim and to try and find the stone, in order to have a bargaining chip to claim Thor. If he knew her, she'd likely use it to marry his mortal form so she could be queen in the present.

When they were alone in Loki's rooms (which had even more books scattered about), he looked at his son with amusement. With all the privacy charms and other miscellaneous magics about his room, no one was stupid enough to spy on him.

"So where is it really?"

"Somewhere in one of the realms I still can't pronounce. Figured it would be easier for word to spread about a stone in Jotunheim where they don't exactly welcome people from Asgard than it was for them to follow us once I'm allowed to visit the world on official business."

Loki patted his head proudly.

"You follow the prankster's creed very well Naruto. When in doubt, misdirect and deliver half-truths," said Loki.

"Which is always followed by the other creed. Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter accusations once the other party makes their claim against you," said Naruto.

No matter how nervous you were about a prank, it always payed to wait for the other party to accuse you first. Otherwise you were practically admitting you knew something, and sometimes what they were accusing you was something completely different.

He had learned that one the hard way enough times to learn to keep his mouth shut.

Loki took one look at the world it was on and grimaced.

"If we go there on official business, then it's going to cost you."

"What?"

"One of the more prominent nobles is having a party, and if you go it'll lead people to believe you're displaying an interest in them."

"Are they complete dicks?"

"No, just annoying."

"Then they get minor pranks while we leave shadow clones to do the searching discreetly," said Naruto.

He knew better than to ditch a party without hard proof that they found what they were looking for.

"Did I hear the word party?"

Loki and Naruto jumped.

"Karin...?!"

"You seriously need to ward your windows."

"...Before you two came, no one was crazy or skilled enough _to_ climb through open windows into rooms. And I did ward them."

"For sound, not for people sneaking in. What are you two creeping about for anyway?"

"We're trying to find a magical artifact that can allow one to traverse time so we can retrieve the Fourth Hokage and his wife, instead of them being sealed into Naruto's stomach with Kurama," said Loki.

"...I'm pretty sure that the clan was working on a time-travel seal before the village was attacked, and that it wasn't fully completed. Have you considered raiding Uzushiogakure for that instead of finding some super powerful artifact?"

Naruto and Loki looked at each other.

"New plan, we find out where the thing is, leave it there, then I show you how to get to the planet from the past using the old paths and you find a way to use it to get back," said Loki.

They weren't looking for it in the past, and this way they had a back up plan if the first didn't work.

"Yay! We get to visit the old village! You know odds are you'd find more Uzumaki if we spread word that the clan heir was looking for them."

Naruto looked at his father.

"Personal guard force?"

"With the elite chosen as bodyguards? No one would suspect them and they are professional assassins..."

"We could have the more noteworthy ones living in the palace or specially appointed housing..."

"Eh?"

"It's nothing. We're trying to find a way to bring the Uzumaki to Asgard in a way that allows them to act as a private force only Naruto can use. Family sticks together, and the Elemental nations isn't exactly what I'd call a healthy place for those with talent. Far from it, they'd get singled out and killed far too young. Allowing your clan to expand on seals would give us the perfect opportunity to bolster our own defenses and give them safe haven, with a select few acting as Naruto's guards," said Loki.

"Sounds complicated."

"Well family takes care of it's own, right? Besides, at least this time those stupid Uchiha jerks won't be able to take all the credit. Mito married the first Hokage and helped create the village and yet everyone is quicker to remember how great the Uchiha clan used to be and forgets about how Madara betrayed the Hokage. And they treat the name Uzumaki like it's dirt!" said Naruto, practically ranting.

Karin's eyes went steely.

"Yet another reason why they have no say in how you live your life, cousin," said Karin coldly.

Naruto had reluctantly explained how he came to Asgard in the first place. Karin wasn't a lawyer, but she did know the gist of hidden village life long enough to gleefully point out that since Naruto claimed Asgard as his home (and they had confirmed he was one of theirs) that Konoha had lost any and all claim on him the moment they declared him one of the heirs.

It had to do with clan politics and the fact they had prevented him from being promoted from "student", who ranked as a civilian in the hierarchy of a hidden village, to "genin" which meant he was a ranked member of their army.

Because Naruto had been effectively told he couldn't become genin, despite being tricked, he was still considered a civilian by the standards of the hidden villages. That meant the Hokage legally had zero say in where he lived. And the fact he left the village and now claimed Asgard as his home meant that the old man lost any control he had over him in the first place, as he had no say in how or where civilians lived outside Konoha's boundary. The only time he could tell Naruto what to do would be during times or war or crisis, and that was only if he were inside Konoha.

Which meant any chances of him ever returning to the village were shot to hell.

"The trick here would be convincing Odin to allow it...but if we wait for Kushina to be recognized as the Queen, then people won't question her relocating her family somewhere safer and easier to guard. And of course they'd show their appreciation by helping out wherever they can...such as increasing security for the palace and the like," said Loki.

"You know sometimes you really remind me of Orochimaru. Only without the creepy snake fetish or vague feeling that you're a pedophile with a thing for young boys," deadpanned Karin.

"..."

Naruto snickered.

"So basically you're saying he's as sneaky and tricky as snake?"

"Or a fox," she said, grinning at him.


	5. Chapter 5

"We have another sighting. This time it's on the outskirts of Whirlpool," said Jiraiya.

"First Grass, now Whirlpool. How is he slipping past us?"

He knew at some point Naruto might try to visit Whirlpool. He had ninja posted around it and he knew Danzo likely had some as well.

Yet somehow Naruto managed to get past all of them and land on the island.

"There's more. There are reports of a red haired girl with a loud mouth that fits the general description of Karin Uzumaki."

Sarutobi grimaced. Grass had been most displeased finding out that they had let one of their genin go, only to learn she wasn't in Konoha. Learning Uzumaki Naruto was the heir of the Uzumaki clan, but not actually old or ranked enough to warrant clan head anytime soon had come as a nasty shock...especially when they learned about the circumstances behind him leaving Konoha.

Relationship with Grass was on shaky ground. He could only hope it didn't crumble out from under them.

"Alert all outgoing shinobi and everyone on your contact list. I want him found before Danzo, or kami forbid Iwa learns that Uzumaki Naruto is outside our protection!"

* * *

Loki smirked as yet another minion spread the word. Once they had Thor on the throne, Kushina could recall the Uzumaki and they'd have an entire clan's worth of seal masters capable of reminding people of Asgard's superiority.

Really, finding Naruto had given him a new direction to invest his time and energy.

It hadn't taken very long for Loki to realize he didn't want the throne of Asgard at all. Having everyone's eyes on him made backroom dealings nearly impossible, and every action he made was scrutinized for any nuance that might be exploited.

Having to guard the throne whilst Odin went into one of his hibernation periods had been rather enlightening for him. His work was best suited to the shadows, while his brother...and now his nephew... held the limelight off him.

That wasn't to say Naruto had no ability to hide in the shadows. Most of his pranks were done in the dark of night when no one was watching. And he had a way of ferreting out information without having to pay for it. And having his heritage being disclosed privately when Thor was confirmed not so much dead but as good as...well, it had forced him to look back and see his actions for what they were.

Loki would never begrudge his nephew/son the throne. Because on an elemental level, Naruto understood better than anyone had any right to _exactly_ how Loki had always felt.

On the outside looking in. Not exactly hated, but most certainly not welcomed without outside interference. Without Thor there, he had found quite a few 'friendships' were more in line with people tolerating his presence to humor the blond idiot.

Naruto was exactly the same. He was an outsider looking in, only unlike Loki he never had anyone bring him even to the fringes. Yet he kept up the same smile, hiding his pain.

It wasn't until he was found and brought to Asgard that the smile became real.

So yes, Loki would do everything in his power to support his nephew.

Even if it meant shifting through the wrecked of a destroyed village for a seal that might have been removed before the attack ended.

"Oi! What are you lot doing here?"

Naruto turned to the source of the voice, to find an old man with faded red hair. Around his shoulder was a scratched and beaten symbol with a familiar spiral.

"Who are you old man?"

"I'm asking the questions here! What are you blasted treasure hunters doing here?"

"My name is Uzumaki Naruto! I'm going to be the best there ever is!" said Naruto loudly. He had long since abandoned his dream of being Hokage.

"I'm Uzumaki Karin."

The old man looked at Loki.

"Just call me Loki. We're trying to find an ancient seal rumored to travel time to retrieve the clan head of the Uzumaki clan as well as her husband."

The old man seemed to peer into their eyes, and realized they were being truthful.

"Well you're lookin' in the wrong spot. And anyway the way to the seal won't open without the blood of a livin' Uzumaki, so you'll have to prove your claims. Especially the blond."

They followed him, though only Loki did so warily.

What they found could only be called an underground temple. The old man waited, but Loki wisely did not enter.

"I am only related to Naruto through his father. I have no Uzumaki blood to test."

The old man nodded.

"Good enough for me. At least you're honest about it."

"Hey old man! How do we prove we're Uzumaki?"

"Cut your hands and put it on the pillar. If you're really Uzumaki, then the way will open. If you're not, then I wouldn't want to be you," he said flatly.

"You're surprisingly helpful. And completely unafraid of the repercussions should you deceive us," said Loki.

"I'm already dead. A mere chakra ghost that the elders put into place to insure that the remnants were able to pick up the pieces later and to trap grave robbers," he replied.

"Fascinating," said Loki. And it was.

 _Inside the shrine..._

"I can't believe that trip to that realm was a total bust. I mean we had to suffer through that stupid party for nothing," complained Naruto as they descended deeper into the ground to find the seal.

"I know," grumbled Karin. "And where is this stupid seal anyway? There's no reason to put it this deep down!"

"Unless it's a seal of such super awesomeness that it had to be hidden away. I mean could you imagine how Iwa would use a seal that allowed time travel?"

Karin shivered at the mere idea of such a thing. Any shinobi village with the ability to time travel was a bad thing, and would almost certainly spark another war, regardless of who had it. The bijuu on their own was bad enough to deal with.

"I think we're here," said Karin.

There was another door. Naruto put a freshly bloodied hand to it, as did Karin. It slowly swung open, revealing a massive, if incomplete sealing array.

The moment they stepped into it, however, and Naruto's blood dripped onto the seal, it activated.

Loki was far too late to stop it from transporting Naruto and Karin into the past.

* * *

 _Fifteen years in the past..._

"Ow."

"What the hell just happened and who can I kill for it?!" snarled Karin.

Naruto looked around, and found the door firmly closed.

"I think the seal activated."

Karin looked at him blearily, her face full of anger and worry.

"What."

"I think the seal activated. The door closed and you know dad would never lock us in here. Plus I feel exhausted and with Kurama that shouldn't happen."

"So how do we get out? That door was undisturbed when we found it."

Naruto conjured some light, felt a strange tug below him, but ignored it in favor of something else he spotted.

"There's another door. I'm betting that they added an air shaft to make sure anyone who came this way didn't die from suffocation, since the front entrance was pretty much blocked by the rubble."

"One way to find out," said Karin.

It took them much less time to get out through the second entrance. A freshly bloodied hand later, and they were out.

One look at the sun told them they had either been out cold for hours...or this wasn't their time.

When they got to shore, they confirmed Naruto's guess. Minato Namikaze was the Hokage, and was still _alive._ More importantly they were several months early before Naruto was born.

Which meant they had several options.

Option one, go to the Hokage, forcibly remind him who he was and take him and Kushina back before they died.

Not really an option, plus it might screw with the timeline too much.

Option two, infiltrate Konoha, wait until the Kyuubi was set loose and then seal him with something less disastrous and kidnap the Hokage and his wife.

Definitely doable, with plenty of leeway after.

Option three, head to Asgard, explain to Odin who and what they were, then come back and kidnap the still sealed Thor after he reclaimed his hammer.

Again, not really an option since it would take far too much time for them to believe them and had the annoying side effect of possibly erasing themselves from existence.

Option four, let the timeline catch up with itself.

"So...option two then?" said Karin.

"Well duh, the question is what are we going to do to kill time?"

"I'll infiltrate the library. You keep your blond hair under a henge or something and change your eyes so no one will recognize you later."

"Hmm... maybe I could convince Teuchi-jii-san to let me work as a ramen apprentice."

Karin snorted.

"You'd eat all the stock."

"Maybe construction then," said Naruto. He was strong enough to haul things around.

"Or you could help at a blacksmithing shop. It's not like you don't have the strength for it and no one would look twice at you creating your own weapons. Besides, isn't that hammer supposed to be good for making things?"

Naruto rubbed his chin.

"You have a point. On the other hand, there's no way in the cold realm of Helhiem I'd ever make weapons with the hammer. It automatically imbues them with superior qualities and that village sure as hell doesn't deserve anything made from it," said Naruto.

"Then leave it as a reserve or as your own personal weapon."

With their plans made up and a few harmless changes to Naruto's hair color through local plants (a true prankster recognizes items that could change color to things like skin and hair) and suddenly he was no longer a blond. Though to be fair, with hair as light as his he could be any color he wanted.

It wasn't until they were close to Konoha that Naruto realized a problem.

"Shit. We don't have passports, and Konoha is a major village."

"We don't actually need any. We just have to claim we were jumped by missing nin and that we're Uzumaki trying to find the last heir. So long as our blood checks out no ones going to look too closely at a pair of civilians."

"...If anyone asks about our reflexes, tell them the truth. We play a lot of pranks on shinobi and had to learn how to run like hell to get away from their revenge," said Naruto.

Karin snickered, because that was actually the real reason Naruto was so fast. He was used to outrunning ANBU, for Odin's sake!

With that, the two continued on their way to Konoha. Naruto kept his copy of Mjolnir on hand, since he rarely bothered to carry around the real thing. For one thing, that hammer only made his tenuous control over the storm clouds he kept summoning worse, since he had yet to figure out the trick to it!

* * *

 _Konoha Gates..._

"Passports."

"Uh, yeah...about that..." said a red haired teen with blue eyes.

The guard looked up, saw a pair of red heads and didn't look amused. The two in front of him looked like they had been walking a while, and they were scratched up pretty good.

"No passport, no entry."

"Oh come on! I did not just walk through bandit-infested wilderness, robbed by missing nin and have to deal with some smarmy pretentious old hag just to be told I can't get a proper hot bath because of no passport!" shouted the girl. She looked pissed and her eyes were twitching. He noticed a beaten up old kunai in her hand that already had some dried blood on it. No self respecting shinobi would keep something like that when they could buy new.

"Fine. But you're going to have limited access to anything until we verify you're not enemy shinobi. Names?"

"Uzumaki Karin," said the girl.

"Uzumaki Arashi," said the boy.

"Ranks?"

"Civilians," said the girl, "Though my brother had limited shinobi training before mother died. Mostly taijutsu and a limited amount of reinforcement."

"Purpose for visit?"

The brother rubbed his head awkwardly.

"Well we always heard Konoha was supposed to be an allied village of Whirlpool, so they should have plenty of opportunities to be a blacksmith. And Karin has always loved to read, so she thought she'd try to be a librarian."

"You'll have to stay in the village without leaving for three months before a new passport may be issued. You will be interviewed by T and I for no less than an hour, and if you've proven to not be a threat, you will be allowed to live in Konoha as civilians."

It took less than an hour before Kushina heard the news, and two more before she finally found the pair eating at Ichiraku's ramen. From the way they ate, most assumed they hadn't had a decent meal in some time. Especially with their clothes.

Both of them turned when they heard the familiar sound of skidding behind them.

Naruto finished what he had in his mouth before he had to comment.

"Escaping from a mass prank from shinobi hell-bent on getting some payback?"

Kushina blinked.

"What makes you ask that?"

"Because the only time I hear that sort of skidding on paved surfaces is after a well deserved prank on idiots who've pissed me off," said Naruto.

Kushina's grin didn't speak well for the shinobi of Konoha.

"No, but I did hear a pair of Uzumaki had shown up."

"Are you saying you're an Uzumaki?" said Karin, playing along with Naruto's lie.

"I'm the clan head."

"In that case, there's only one thing to say. Pull up a seat cousin, and let's talk pranks," said Naruto smirking.

Minato had an ominous shiver go down his spine.


	6. Chapter 6

Kushina was giddy with excitement when the test confirmed they were Uzumaki. A few blood seals that were keyed only to the bloodline of her clan, and the two red heads had pretty much verified their claim. They didn't even need to do a bloodline test with those.

Of course her smile was nowhere near as big as the look on her face when "Arashi" started talking about some of his pranks.

When Minato came in, the first thing he said once Kushina introduced her two new cousins was... "I don't care what you do during the day time, just don't drag me into any more insane pranks."

Naruto couldn't resist poking at Thor's memory.

"But as devout followers of Loki we're required to drag people into insane pranks, if only to share the misery if we get caught!"

Karin nodded emphatically, smirking evilly.

"Don't know, don't care. You can go streaking through the streets as long as I'm not involved."

"...Can we make other people go streaking through the streets instead?" asked Karin with sparkly eyes.

Minato shuddered.

"You can only do it to other civilians, and only Kushina is allowed to do it to the shinobi."

"Deal," came the trio of evil replies. It was far too quick for his poor sanity.

"So... I heard that the shinobi Uzumaki were really, really good at seals. Care to look at one we've been messing with in our spare time?" asked Karin hopefully.

"Sure!" said Kushina.

She took one look at the seal and whistled.

"This is some seriously heavy duty stuff. Where'd you find it?"

"Trade secret and it's slightly embarrassing to explain," said Naruto without hesitation.

Namely he had been forced to stand still while Karin traced the damn thing off his stomach, all while maintaining a steady enough steam of chakra to keep it visible.

"We've been trying to tweak this for over a year now to make it less faulty, and so far it's still needs work," said Karin.

Minato didn't come back until well into the night, and when he did he happened to noticed a copy of the seal Karin had.

It was some seriously advanced, high-level stuff. But like Karin said, it was rather faulty. For one thing the filter was almost shot to hell, and there appeared to be some unnecessary elements added to it.

Because they were almost flat broke and Kushina refused to let her recently discovered cousins disappear on her, they were staying in the house.

"What's the purpose?" asked Minato over breakfast. Arashi and Karin looked up. "Of this seal I mean."

"Supposedly it's to contain a large amount of energy, like one of the higher tier bijuu's worth. The only problem is that it'll kill anyone who uses it to seal anything worth a damn and the filter isn't very good. Not to mention the chakra ghost additives. We found it in the old Whirlpool village, and I thought it would be interesting to see if it could be tweaked to be more efficient."

Let unspoken was that she had already tweaked it a little to be more receptive to Asgardian magic. She liked Kurama's acerbic wit, enough said.

Minato's inner seal master was intrigued.

"Only thing is that it's damn near impossible to get sealing books while you're on the road, and Uzumaki or not they don't exactly let civilians like us check out the good books without a shinobi license," complained Naruto. "Not that I'm too enthusiastic about shinobi in the first place. You won't believe the horror stories I've seen."

"Oh? I would have pegged you for a shinobi," said Minato innocently.

Naruto shook his head emphatically.

"Seeing the farce of a shinobi's idea of 'justice' to a poor kid who was tricked by an older chunin was enough to dissuade me from trying again. I can barely do a clone," said Naruto.

"So you have had shinobi training," said Kushina.

"Shinobi drop out. Never made genin in my life," said Naruto honestly.

"What happened?"

"It was stupid. This teacher had a total grudge against me for kami-knows-what, and he tricked me during the exams for genin promotion. I got the super secret artifact and brought it to the agreed spot, but then the bastard reveals some secret or another telling me why most of the people in our village hated me, and the jounin caught up and arrested us both. The council banned me from taking the exams for a full two years, so I said screw them. I packed my things and left the next morning."

"He found me a few months after he left the place and we've been brother and sister ever since," added Karin.

"What about you?"

"Simple. Arashi came to me asking me for some help with his reading, since most of his teachers were total dicks, and when I found out who his mother was I hit him on the head and said he should have just said he was her son and I went with him. The guy who ran my village signed off on it, not aware Arashi had left his village and I never went back. Not like they had much reason to keep another genin with no real prospects around. Best decision I ever made."

"... You could join our shinobi army. No one bat an eye if you took up apprenticeships."

"No way in hell," came the duo responses from the siblings. That caught both older shinobi off guard.

"Aw, but why not?" whined Kushina. Being a shinobi was great!

"Have you _seen_ the paperwork shinobi have to do for every damn mission?" said Karin, shuddering. Minato winced, because he was the one who had to read all the paperwork that came in.

"And let's not forget the joy of D-ranks that all genin have to do. Plus the risk of being killed during out of village missions, the fact that they have to be nice to complete dicks just because they're guarding them, and oh, let's not forget the fact that they'd kill an infant if they were payed enough," said Naruto sarcastically.

"But... no one takes civilians seriously!"

"No, shinobi don't take civilians seriously. You can be a warrior without having to be a shinobi, it's just that shinobi have the most annoying habit of snagging all the good books and scrolls for themselves," countered Naruto flatly. "I'm ranked as a mere civilian and I bet you an all you can eat Ichiraku buffet I can outrun most of your precious ANBU."

Minato seized on a chance to see exactly what their skill level was.

"Prove it. If you can outrun the ANBU for a full hour, then I'll label you both as 'outside contractors'. That's enough to get you into most of the shinobi-guarded portions of the library, barring the classified stuff. If you lose, then you take the genin test."

"Seriously, I can't even perform a clone. I'll show you," said Naruto.

He performed the basic handsigns for a regular clone, and then used the smallest amount of chakra he could.

They didn't even pass a basic inspection. Hell, Kushina was holding her sides from laughing so hard.

Minato winced.

"I said it before and I'll say it again. All my instructors, barring one glaring exception, were complete dicks."

"My offer still stands."

"I just have to evade for a full hour then. No limit on what I do to get their attention?"

"No maiming. Their ego and dignity is not my problem," said Minato immediately.

Naruto's smirk had a lot of teeth.

"That's plenty."

"Why do I have the feeling I just doomed my ANBU?" asked Minato to no one in particular.

"You married and Uzumaki and just challenged another to do his worst without maiming his victims just to get them in the proper mood for an all out chase. Of course you'd develop the proper paranoia for a prank-based chaos," said Karin flatly.

* * *

It would be spoken of by the ANBU for decades after the "Incident". The ANBU captain had been warned about the challenge, but had been told that he had honestly no idea what the boy would do to get the elite jounin into what he called the "proper mood" for a chase.

They found out the hard way.

No one was entirely sure what Arashi _did_ to the ANBU in question, as they refused to speak of the Incident to outsiders, but horror stories were shared for years after.

Their outraged shouts could be heard clear through the village and a few feet outside the walls too.

Meanwhile on the Hokage monument, Kushina and Karin were watching the entire thing while Minato timed it. They had a pair of binoculars and were critiquing the chase while eating popcorn and dango.

"Oooh...that's going to leave a mark. Did we say who had to pay property damage incurred during the chase?" asked Kushina.

"Actually no. I think _Hokage-sama_ forgot that part," grinned Karin. "What's the time?"

"Twenty minutes and counting," said Minato sweating a bit. He was starting to realize that there would be _hell_ to pay for this and he was likely to get hit by the fall out.

"OOOH... that guy seems really pissed off now! I'd be too with all those feathers and dango sauce on me!" cackled Kushina.

"Oh kami-sama! I bet him he'd never find a use for those, and he did! I owe him three bowls of ramen now!" howled Karin.

"Why butt plugs?"

"Best way to shut up an asshole," said Karin, grinning. She had got them as a joke and Naruto had been beyond embarrassed when she brought them up around Frigga. Loki had about coughed up a lung from laughing so hard.

 _(Yes people, I did just directly quote the story "Bondage Style", which is one of_ the _most hilarious Naruto stories out there. I would absolute recommend it for a good laugh or twenty.)_

Minato was having serious doubts about the "elite" claim on his ANBU, as Arashi not only trashed the hour deadline, he flouted his ability to evade and humiliate his best fighters.

It was two hours after Arashi's prank to "get them in the right mood" had passed.

It took Arashi five minutes to reach them, grinning like a maniac.

"Man, I missed my old warm ups of having jounin chase me!" he cackled like an insane mad man.

Seeing the legion of rather pissed off and angry ANBU (those that hadn't given up from exhaustion halfway through the chase...or cut their loses realizing the odds of catching him were next to nill) Minato used his best Hokage voice.

"ANBU stand down. And Arashi, did you really have to add those pranks on top of it?" he asked tiredly.

"Hey, I barely dipped into my bag of tricks! I could have been a lot worse!"

"Yeah, he hasn't even down the live eel inside the kunoichi's pants or the bucket of spiders!" chirped Karin, grinning like a demon.

The kunoichi shivered at the mere idea of such a thing.

"Oh yeah, didn't Amara scream like the damned when she found those frogs in her bed right as she went to sleep?"

"You've never heard such language," cackled Karin.

Minato looked at his irate jounin. Out of all his ANBU, only the captains and a smattering of them had lasted this long.

"Everyone go home and try to regain some of the dignity you lost. I'll include hazard pay on your next mission. And for those of you who damaged the buildings and you know who you are, you're paying for the D-ranks to repair them," said Minato.

"You're a dead man if you step out of line boy," snarled one of the pissed off ANBU.

Arashi cocked his head.

"But how can I be dead when I never tried to knock off your masks? Aren't you only supposed to kill those that find out your real identity behind those Noh masks?"

"He has a point Giraffe," said Minato.

Giraffe growled, humiliated beyond belief.

"And Arashi... no humiliating my ANBU repeatedly."

"But it's good training!" said Arashi pouting.

"...Good training for who I wonder," muttered Minato. Kushina snickered evilly.

"You so have to teach me how you managed to get that bat ANBU with the feather and dango sauce."

"There was also white chocolate sauce," said Arashi.

"White chocolate is _not_ chocolate. It's cocoa butter with sugar added! Real chocolate has actual cocoa powder in it!" said Karin hotly. Kushina nodded in absolute agreement.

"Hence why I used it. The only chocolate I'd waste is the cheap kind that barely qualified as chocolate in the first place."

The girls nodded in agreement. Then Arashi grinned at Karin.

"Now I believe there was a bet about me never using that gag during a revenge chase?"

"TO THE RAMEN STAND!" shouted the trio of Uzumaki.

Arashi got an extra two bowls from Teuchi for making him laugh so hard. Minato groaned. He knew the paperwork for this was going to be hell.

* * *

Karin and Naruto were given official "Civilian Contractor" badges. Rarely used but still in existence. Officially it allowed them to buy things from the shinobi-only places like the weapons stores and the restricted bookstores. Basically they had access to everything save classified or clan-only techniques.

However unlike shinobi, they didn't have to answer any summons, they existed outside the authority of the civilian police and would only get arrested if they did something to piss off the Uchiha or were charged with outright treason, like selling village secrets.

It basically made them shinobi without having to answer to the Hokage or their superior officer...while at the same time making it much harder for the shinobi to harass them without receiving a major black mark on their record.

They were "civilians" after all.

Minato still didn't know why Arashi insisted that the thing have no expiration date or have it laced with his chakra and have their blood sample stored in the Konoha database. It wasn't like anyone would forget the cackling red head who outwitted the ANBU after all.

Naruto kind of liked being a blacksmith. Sure people gave him weird looks because he had a such a _normal_ job after he cheerfully out ran and outwitted the famous ANBU, but he liked being able to use his strength for something other than killing people.

Though that didn't compare to the amusement Karin got thanks to her shiny new badge that allowed her to toss shinobi out of the library and onto the street for getting fresh with her. She was considered the hero of the public library because she was legally allowed to beat the shit out of the shinobi for bothering the girls.

Oh how the shinobi had learned to dread that evil laughter of hers, because if they were too persistent then they tended to get some nasty surprise visits from Arashi and worse, Kushina, in the middle of the night right after they fell asleep. Most of the time said idiots had to fight tooth and nail to get out of all the humiliating traps the two would leave behind, not that they could prove a damn thing. And in the world of shinobi, proof was everything.

Back to his work at the blacksmith's shop. He had been accepted as apprentice pretty quick...the idea being that anyone who could lead the ANBU on a chase for two hours had the stamina to handle it...and it had taken little time for him to get the hang of it. It didn't hurt that he was used to swinging a hammer and not smashing his poor hand on a regular basis.

Besides, he had the dexterity of a shinobi and the patience of a saint.

Only someone used to carefully planning and executing revenge pranks developed the sort of patience it took to carefully stalk some poor unfortunate bastard, befriend him, then break into his house and make his life a living hell without leaving a shred of evidence behind to incriminate him.

So Naruto cheerfully swung his hammer to make a cheap katana straight.

Today was a good day.


	7. Chapter 7

For two and a half long months, Minato and Kushina helped tweak the seal Karin had given them. Both were vastly more experienced with shinobi seals, and generally didn't ask about the Runes Karin and Naruto kept slipping into the seal.

Since they knew it was coming, the two squirreled away a lot of things that would likely be missed after the fact. Like books that Minato happened to have, or the locations of small artifacts that Kushina treasured.

When it happened, they were going to seal the entire house and take it with them. Konoha wouldn't get a single scroll if they had anything to say about it.

Naruto and Karin fit in relatively well, though at least once a week boredom struck hard and they lead the ANBU on a merry chase. It was so regular that the unfortunate 'elite jounin' had scheduled around it, and despite their best efforts "Arashi" had the most annoying habit of finding their weak spots and pissing them off to start the chase. It was so bad that they literally had kunai boards up in the lounge, and somehow he had known about it. Arashi had "helpfully" given them plenty of copies to skewer in unfulfilled rage, with a picture that was sure to piss them off. Kushina had been amused. Minato had found it funny but had been smart enough not to say a damn thing.

For the months that passed, Naruto and Karin bridged the gap in their shinobi training quietly. No one suspected them at all, and it didn't help that Kushina openly helped train their taijutsu as she was familiar with the Uzumaki clan style. It was pretty obvious that she and Minato were trying to push them into the shinobi lifestyle, and they might have considered it if not for one important fact.

They hated Konoha with a passion. They hid it well, as they didn't hate the Konoha of this time nearly as much, but the simple fact remained that Konoha had failed utterly in it's job to protect the legacy of their Fourth Hokage and their jinchuriki, never mind that he had been an innocent kid.

So no, they'd never even consider the idea of becoming "Konoha shinobi".

Besides, they liked their day-to-day jobs more than they liked D-ranks.

So as the misplaced duo counted down the time, they managed to hide the fact they knew when Kushina's son was due. All the while, Naruto kept poking at Thor's sealed memories with a sharp stick, hoping to dislodge something of his father out. Whoever sealed them had done a thorough job.

* * *

It was hard to describe the feeling of October 10th. Unless you were Naruto and then you knew exactly how to describe it.

An oncoming storm. Between the impending Kyuubi attack and the fact that his unborn self had zero control over his weather powers, there was a distinct thundery haze over the village. It wouldn't break until he came out, but it lingered over the village for hours. He was the only one who knew what was going on, and instead of telling Minato he visited his sister in the library.

He never came with fresh ramen. It was the agreed upon signal to get ready for their plan to abscond with Thor and Kushina.

Karin went about her daily rituals, all the while discreetly preparing to leave and cast a massive illusion over any witnesses. Her skill towards illusions had only gotten better with instruction from those that used genjutsu.

Suddenly Kushina went into labor around noon.

Naruto took that as his cue to start packing. Karin went with her as she had a modicum of medical training and so Kushina would have a 'friendly face' with her.

When the kid was born, that was when it happened. Kurama was set free, and Naruto could hear his pissed off roaring, and suddenly the shinobi were much more interested in the fox than anything he was doing.

He made sure to switch the seal Minato had on hand to seal the demon back with the one they had finally finished modifying. The blond didn't even look twice when he grabbed it. That done, Naruto finished sealing everything save the things that belonged to Kakashi in the house.

Hearing the giant toad summoned, Naruto made his way to his fellow blond.

* * *

 _With Karin..._

Holding up a massive genjutsu would be a pain in the ass, and her reserves would be shot to hell. Kushina had been confused why she was even preparing an illusion, and frankly it was easier in the long run just to tell her the truth.

They were kidnapping them.

"Your son isn't going to be the hero that Minato wanted, and frankly Konoha doesn't deserve shit. So we're kidnapping you now and waking that idiot husband of yours to his original self, because his family wants him back."

"Minato's an orphan."

"No, he's not. He has a memory seal on his mind keeping his original memories blocked until he finds a certain weapon. Remember how you commented on how alike the Death God seal and the one I brought with me were? That's because I copied it off your son's stomach," said Karin.

"...You used that time travel seal in Whirlpool didn't you?"

"Accidentally, yes."

Kushina winced as she sat up.

"If you're going to kidnap us and take us to another time, then to get back you have to get into the center and find the rock under the seal and drip blood on it. It's how the Uzumaki became seal masters in the first place. We abused the rock's ability to traverse time and 'borrowed' the books that the seals came from, and eventually we got good enough on our own."

Naruto appeared and heard that bit.

"House is sealed away. We ready in here?"

"Almost. Think you can move?" asked Karin.

"I think I have internal bleeding,' said Kushina.

"Dammit. Here's what we'll do. I'll henge myself into Kushina, help hold back Kurama and then tell the old toad to reverse summon us to the summoning realm."

"We don't have a contract," said Karin.

"I do, but I never saw a point in using the damn thing since Kurama said that he had pretty much stolen it from the kitsune clan."

"Let's go. The sooner I can get a chance to try and fix the bleeding without having to prepare a massive genjutsu, the better for all of us. You got the doubles ready?"

"Of course. My clones have already been dispersed."

"Let's go. He's about to seal Kurama into you now," said Karin.

* * *

It was rather anticlimactic how the switch went. All the prep work and the fact no one was expecting them to do it meant everything went smoothly. A little too smoothly, but then again no one was expecting a pair of misplaced Uzumaki to outright kidnap the Fourth and his wife after a major battle and leave their son behind with some shadow clones to make it look like they had all died but the kid.

Tracking down Tsunade was a pain in the ass, but totally worth it in the long run as she healed the scarring done by Karin's inexperience. Kushina would live to have more children. Many more, if she had any say about it.

Minato had to be kept under a stasis seal that kept his blond ass knocked out, as there was a high chance he would try to return to Konoha.

As much as Kushina loathed the idea, she agreed it was better to keep the timeline straight, at least until she prepared a proper revenge for the years of hardship her son was about to endure.

Once they were in Whirlpool, having gone through the cleared primary entrance, Naruto carefully dug into the sealing circle and dropped their blood onto the Time stone. With a flash of light, they were gone.

* * *

 _With Loki..._

There was a surge of energy, and suddenly Naruto, Karin and two others were in the circle. Naruto was quick to drag the other two as far away from the circle as he could.

"Naruto, who are they?"

Naruto turned, saw Loki and beamed at him.

"Dad!"

"OOF! Get off of me you idiot! Now what happened and where did these two come from?"

"Dad, meet Minato Namikaze and Kushina Uzumaki."

Loki narrowed in on Minato.

"You cheeky little brat. You actually did it."

"Yeah, I did. Now all we have to do is see if he's worthy enough to hold the hammer again and Grandmother will be thrilled."

"Okay, I'm confused," said Kushina.

"You know how everyone refers to the Uzumaki heir as a 'prince' or 'princess'?" asked Karin dryly.

"Yes," said Kushina annoyed. She hated those titles.

"Well in his case, it's literal. Minato is actually a prince who got misdirected and sent here as punishment for being an arrogant brat, only something went wrong and he ended up dying when your son was born. And that seal that was placed on Naruto kept the soul alive, but not the body. The original plan was to find more stones like the one we just used to transfer them out...but Naruto had a more simple solution."

"Go back in time and switch us with fakes. Allowing our 'deaths' to remain but keep us alive in the long run so they got their prince back," said Kushina, nodding in approval. Suddenly she remembered something and grinned. "That civilian contractor thing. You wanted it to keep the Konoha from now from forcing you back into their shinobi corps."

"Absolutely. They're going to be pretty pissed that they lost their jinchuriki, but they can go screw themselves for all I care!" said Naruto cackling.

"We need to go. The sooner we remind that idiot brother of mine who is he is, the sooner we can straighten things out," said Loki. Left unspoken was that he had no desire to deal with the shinobi he had seen on the outskirts of the ruined village.

"Oh wait! Is there any way to..." started Naruto.

"Third drawer on the desk. Touch the rock with it and it'll be sealed into it without activating," Kushina said without hesitation.

Loki was confused, but when he saw what Naruto carefully dug up and then sealed into a rather odd necklace, his jaw dropped.

"If you had the stone then why didn't you..."

"Let me put it this way... we've had it for a long time and figured out how to use it. Naturally we'd also See what would happen if the other countries knew about it. So which sounds like a more feasible way of avoiding all out destruction...allowing our village to be destroyed and our people scattered, or abuse the stone and accidentally allow it's existence to be known? As far as anyone needs to know, he found a seal and accidentally activated it through Kyuubi's chakra, and then used it to get back. It keeps people from asking about the necklace, because obviously he picked it up in the past," said Kushina.

When the first Uzumaki found the stone, they had seen all the futures connected to it. And the only one that didn't end with the world completely annihilated was when a blond sealed it away in a necklace and took it away from the world. No one knew what the stone was, just that it was too powerful for anyone to have it except that boy.

And only the heirs and the Elders who knew how to keep their mouths shut were allowed to even know it's existence.

* * *

The first thing Minato saw was gold. A lot of it. The second thing he saw was a blond Arashi, which had him blink, and his wife.

"Where am I?"

"The better answer is 'when am I', and the answer would be roughly fifteen to sixteen years. As for why, well all your confusion will be answered if you can pick up that stupid hammer I dropped next to you," said Arashi.

Minato noticed an unusually decorated warhammer and then looked at him.

"I dropped it on my foot and wasn't in the mood to pick it up. It should be healed in a couple of hours," deadpanned Arashi.

Minato didn't think anything of it, and reached down to the hammer on it's side. After all, it was a simple thing to hand Arashi his hammer back.

The moment his hand closed around the hilt and he lifted it up, he damn near dropped it as the memories hit him like a brick.

His eyes cleared up as his full power was unsealed and the memories were promptly filtered into the appropriate slots. Above the palace, a massive storm that even Naruto wouldn't have been able to create (at least not yet) formed as lightning struck the general area of where the infirmary was.

Thor had woken up.

"That was beyond weird, but still very interesting to watch," commented Kushina. His wife and the only woman barring Sif who could match him.

"Oh you don't know the half of it...mom. Should have seen my reaction when I found out that I was in another world," commented Naruto.

"I have a headache," complained Thor.

"It'll pass," said Naruto. "So do you still have questions?"

Naruto's comment about 'when' he was came back, and now he could see what _his_ son had meant about the hammer. The only question he had was "Why the kidnapping?"

"You 'died', more or less, when the fox attacked the village. All you left behind were chakra ghosts and there's no way in Helheim I'm going to track down three Infinity stones to reverse it when it was easier to track down _one_ and simply make it LOOK like you died," deadpanned Naruto.

Odin walked in with Frigga and Loki. Naruto left, but Kushina stuck around.

* * *

 _With Naruto..._

"I take it from the show we just had that Thor's back?" asked Karin.

"Yup. The official story is that we found a seal that allowed time travel and brought them back. Needless to say there's going to be a feast soon," said Naruto.

"At least we don't have to deal with them subtly trying to make us assassins," said Karin with a snort.

The party for Thor's return was _massive_. Kushina made a point to stick close to her son as she was slightly out of her depth here. Everyone accepted her status as Thor's wife easily enough though.

Then the apocalypse happened. Kushina found out Loki was a fellow prankster and gravitated towards him.

Odin could feel the headaches coming on.


	8. Chapter 8

Sarutobi was having a very bad week. It started with the new sighting of Naruto and culminated in the rather massive surge of chakra from the ruins of Whirlpool.

About the only good thing was the sighting of yet another strange seal in the ruins.

At this point he was starting to figure out _how_ Naruto kept evading the shinobi after him.

He had some sort of teleportation seal that he was using to get around. Something that was much harder to implement than the hiraishin.

He sighed. Everything had gone down hill since Naruto left. First having to deal with the fall out from losing their _only_ Jinchuriki, then the wasted man hours trying to find and retrieve him, and now they had almost lost the Uchiha boy to Orochimaru.

That had been one of the few perks out of the disasters that kept piling up after Naruto abandoned the village. Thanks to all the hunter teams out looking for the blond, they had been in the perfect position to capture the wayward teenager and return him. The fact he had no hitai ate despite graduating and his lack of a genin team (not to mention the big tip off...he was heading _away_ from Konoha) had been all the clue they needed to follow and capture him when he let his guard down.

Sasuke had been livid, but now he was on 24-hour watch with experienced ANBU on his tail. He was a flight risk and he'd be damned if he let another child from a proud shinobi clan ditch the village.

* * *

It took all of a month for Kushina to get used to Asgard...or to be more specific, for Asgard to become used to it's future queen.

In formal situations she had only needed a refresher, but in the wild parties Thor frequented she could be just as boisterous as Thor with the appetite of Volstagg...though poor Fandral found out the hard way that while Kushina was far more feminine than the warrior-like Sif, she was far more vicious when someone tried to hit on her.

Eir had high hopes he wouldn't be in mourning for his poor lefty too much longer...but he had brought it on himself. Thor had zero pity on him for trying to flirt with his wife, and once she had Fandral figured out she had delivered quite the nasty kick to his boys.

Needless to say she got along with Sif a little too well for some. And the less said about the pranks caused by the bored Uzumaki, the better.

And the reunion between his now grown son and Naruto went well enough.

Loki had clearly claimed Naruto as his son, and while Naruto had gotten along well enough with Minato, he was still getting used to Thor.

On the plus side, Kushina's presence made very, very sure that Thor's arrogance never again reared it's ugly head. The few times it tried, she smacked him down, hard. And then she cut him off from getting any.

Odin was rather pleased by that, as he had no desire to see Thor cast out again.

* * *

"So explain to me again why I have to go back to Konoha, even for a short trip," deadpanned Naruto.

Thor squirmed uncomfortably. His son...and boy hadn't that been a curve-ball he hadn't expected to deal with while being forced to live as a mortal...had made his feelings on the village clear. It could burn for all he cared.

"I may have left a few things back in Konoha."

"I sealed up your entire house, barring what was in Kakashi's room. I sealed all your little bolt holes and even a few things from the Hokage's office. What could possibly be so important that would require me to step foot in a village I hate and happen to be on the 'catch on sight' posters?"

"The Forbidden Scroll."

"Stole it once and happens to be the reason I hate Konoha," said Naruto.

"...I may have added a seal that would allow one to come to Asgard if enough chakra is added... My true self was bleeding through and wanted to come home after the war with Iwa! It's not my fault!" said Thor quickly at the incensed Naruto.

"Okay, I'll grant you that one. Shit, the last thing I want is to deal with idiotic Konoha nin after my ass because some moron found a way to Asgard. Oi, Karin! We're heading on a road trip to rob Konoha blind!" he shouted down the halls.

"Why?" she asked, popping her head out of her room with only a towel on.

"Dumbass left a seal that could bring Konoha here and you know they've had a hard on about catching me since I told them to go screw themselves!"

"...Wouldn't this be the perfect chance to grab some of your 'friends' like Kurama and really piss off the Elemental Nations? I mean Thor's coronation isn't too far off and we can just go in and have some fun while we're there."

"Hmm. This is a good point, and plus we might as well make it one last trip anyway to retrieve the Uzumaki clan."

"How long a trip?"

"Well I'm thinking a year or so, piss off a lot of the shinobi and make them try to find a way to get to us only to fail in an epic manner and never forget us," said Naruto.

Karin's grin was evil.

"I heard the words epic pranks and memorable montage," said Kushina seriously.

"We're going to have one last trip in the Elemental Nations and leave with such a bang that there is no way in hell anyone will ever say the name 'Uzumaki' without either shivering in fear or trying or trying to repress horrible memories of pranks that will pop up at inconvenient times. Oh, and rob everyone blind of course."

Kushina cackled.

"I knew you would take after me more than you would your father!"

Naruto grinned evilly.

Thor shuddered, as he still remembered Kushina's _horrible_ mood swings while pregnant.

"I heard the word chaos," said Loki evilly.

"We're going to make a vacation out of collecting the Uzumaki, all the while stealing everything that isn't nailed down and causing untold panic that will insure that no one every forgets the name Uzumaki ever again for fear of what we'll do to them if they do."

Kushina and Loki both cackled at the implications.

"I want in. Cloak and dagger is fine and all but it gets boring when you figure out what buttons to push without actually trying," said Loki.

"Now to convince Odin..." said Naruto.

Convincing the king turned out to be the easy part. Packing was not. More to the point they had to come up with a plan of attack so they didn't end up stuck in Konoha due to any obligations.

They wanted their Jinchuriki back, and Naruto hated them with a passion. He almost couldn't wait to see that senile old man's face when he found out Naruto had a legal and legitimate Civilian Contractor's card that had no expiration date.

Payback was going to be a bitch, and he had the feeling the ANBU would remember him pretty quick when he walked through the gates.

Karin hit him on the head.

"No evil cackling without a proper audience to appreciate it!"

"Just thinking of how quick the ANBU are going to be cursing our name when they find out I'm alive and back."

"Oh. Carry on then," said Karin. Naruto resumed his evil cackle of doom.

"I heard evil cackling and I want in," said Loki. The uncle/nephew duo proceeded to cackle evilly at the impending chaos. Karin eventually joined in, and almost everyone avoided that corridor for _hours_.

* * *

Their "vacation" in the Elemental Countries started out simple.

They were completely devoid of the 'local' currency, and carrying gold around was pretty annoying. So they hit up Moon Country for a while, because it had casinos.

Oh, and dealt with some pissy missing nin, rescued the king and more or less cleaned out the damn near every high stakes casino on the island.

Man was that one-eyed jounin pissed about the way they kicked their ass! Oh wait, he's from Konoha so who cared?

Naruto cheerfully went swimming, with his red hair sticking to his face. It was harder to detect simple hair dyes using natural plants than it was to dispel a henge.

What was that silver haired guy whining about now? It wasn't like he had to listen to him, he wasn't a Konoha... Oh wait, he recognized him.

Kakashi, the little shit Minato had practically adopted. Better to see what the whiny shit had to complain about now. It wasn't like "Arashi" had liked him to begin with.

"Oi, Kakashi-baka, shut the hell up! I'm not nearly drunk enough to listen to your whining a second time, especially since you're finally old enough to know half the words you heard from that perverted old toad and not get hit by Kushina-nee with the ladle!" shouted Naruto.

There was a stunned, horrified silence from the silver haired jounin, before he whimpered in realization who the red head was and curled into a ball and started rocking himself.

"Oi asshole! What did you do to our sensei?!" demanded the loudmouth with the dog.

"From the sound of his whimpering, I'd say UN-repressed a lot of memories of my cousin during her rather hormonal pregnancy mood swings that traumatized him for life. Or it could be the memory of me dragging him along for the ride when I pranked the shit out of the ANBU and forced him to keep up for an hour before I hogtied is whiny ass and dumped him in a maid's outfit with no underwear in the women's onsen," said Naruto sagely.

Kakashi choked, before fresh peals of sobbing was heard.

The loud mouth and the banshee stared at him.

"I... don't know whether to be disturbed or impressed at how quickly he rendered Kakashi-sensei useless," admitted the pink haired banshee.

"Why, why, why? They assured me you were dead!" whined Kakashi.

"Is he still a whiny little shit? Because I could easily remind him of how much Kushina-nee hated his bitchiness when she was hungover..."

"Oi! Arashi! We're about to have dinner, you in?" shouted Karin loudly.

"FOR THE RAMEN!"

Kiba looked at his sensei, who was still trying not to remember all the hellish experiences he had when he was younger. He poked the man with a stick.

"I'm almost terrified and impressed at how quickly he scared him," admitted Kiba.

* * *

 _In Konoha..._

Sarutobi released the messenger hawk, took one look at the missive and choked in horror during the jounin meeting.

"Hokage-sama?"

"He's alive. For the love of all things holy, those two demons are _alive_..." he said horrified.

The jounins were concerned now. One cautiously asked... "Who are alive, Hokage-sama?"

Sarutobi looked up from the missive, and said with a voice that could have declared that the Kyuubi was about to attack... "Arashi and Karin Uzumaki, Kushina's cousins. They're alive and in Moon Country."

It took 3.6 seconds for that statement to process, and when it did he had the unique sight of the ANBU all breaking down in horror. Well, all but one of them.

"NOOO! Not the red-haired devils!"

"Sweet! I get to go drinking with Arashi again!" said Anko happily. Arashi had been the only 'civilian' who hadn't given two shits about her old teacher, and had treated her like a person. He also paid her dango addiction without complaint.

The Hokage whimpered. He remembered the paperwork those two left in their wake. If Naruto had been bad after a prank, Arashi was twenty times _worse_ , if that was possible.

He shuddered, and hoped like hell that the civilian contractor's pass Minato had signed had had an expiration date.

* * *

Naruto was grinning evilly as word quickly spread about "Arashi" being back. Add a few years, and no one knew he wasn't actually in his late twenties.

Watching grown men with animal masks see him in civilian villages, then scream like little girls and make warding gestured while shouting at the top of their lungs that the "EVIL ONE HAS RETURNED" never got old.

Every time it happened, Loki broke down laughing his ass off with Karin, who took pictures. Of course then he had to explain to the local police why battle-hardened ninja who could kill and not bat an eyelash ran away from him screaming.

Watching them privately wonder how tough ninja could be when they ran away from a prankster was just as funny.

Seeing a familiar face, Naruto grinned even wider.

"Oi, Ero-Sannin! Long time no see!" shouted Naruto loudly enough for the women to realize that the infamous pervert was on the other side of the fence peeping on them again.

Jiraiya took one look at Naruto, and paled rather impressively. Loki snickered.

"Dear kami... I thought we were finally rid of you after..." he whimpered.

Oh yes, Naruto made _impressions_ on people when he was bored. You almost had to pity Asgard when he became king.

Naruto cackled evilly, making Jiraiya shudder. This was Arashi alright. No one could scare grown men that quick with just a laugh save him.

"So where have you been?" asked Jiraiya, once he repressed a large number of rather horrifying incidents all over again.

"Eh, the Uzumaki have a time displacement seal that I got caught up in," said Naruto dismissively.

Jiraiya blinked.

"Time displacement seal?"

"I destroyed it once I came back to my proper time, but it was a pain in the ass. Personally I can't wait to see the expression on that old monkey's face when he finds out _who_ Arashi actually is, and why he's been missing for nearly sixteen years."

Jiraiya had a horrifying premonition as Naruto dispelled his henge, and almost fainted from shock.

"Oh dear kami. You? You're Arashi?!"

"And the best part is that you can't drag me to Konoha, because I'm not legally part of the shinobi army~!" said Naruto evilly.

The worst part was that he was right. Legally, Jiraiya couldn't do a damn thing to him, and there was no way they'd be able to get away with dragging him back now, because he was technically a civilian.

Shinobi had no say in civilian matters outside the hidden villages.

"And to make sure you forget who I am until we reach Konoha and spread a wave of prank based terror..."

With a single hand sign, Jiraiya was covered in head to toe with lady's undergarments.

"OI! WHERE'D YOU GET ALL THOSE BRAS AND THONGS?"

The nephew and uncle disappeared before the massacre happened. Naruto cackled evilly watching Jiraiya get beaten so badly he barely remembered who Arashi really was.

And by the time he did remember, Naruto had already moved on after giving Konoha a whole slew of new mental scars.

Served him right for not doing his job in the first place.


	9. Chapter 9

"So let me get this straight. In order to pass I have to pay some ridiculous toll and hope that the idiots running the boat don't rob me on the way there."

The nervous boat captain looked at the two obvious bandits before nodding.

"And the fact that we're less than thirty miles from Konoha means nothing to them? Dear Odin, these shinobi can't do _anything_ right," complained the blond.

To the confusion the poor boat captain and the bandits, the blond promptly looked at his companions.

"We're cleaning house and the mess those lazy ninja left," he informed them.

The older one sighed, but looked at the bandits with distaste.

"I would disagree with you Naruto, but not even my idiot brother would leave something like this alone."

And with that, the two bandits suddenly found themselves unable to breath from the holes in their neck. The captain looked at the blond with fear now.

"Right, take us to the shore so we can see how much damage control we're doing and how big of a mess we have to clean up," said the blond clapping his hands together. The captain gulped.

Today was not a good day to get out of bed.

* * *

Tazuna had tried hiring shinobi to guard him long enough to build the bridge, but the commanding jounin had dragged his team back the second he found out he'd be dealing with other shinobi. Worse, he blacklisted Wave country from the mission requests when he got back.

His daughter had been taken within a week, and his grandson had withdrawn even more into himself.

So when three strangers came in offering to clean the place up, he was overly skeptical. At least until they stated rather firmly that they weren't shinobi nor did they care to associate with the bastards unless it was causing mental and physical trauma.

Tazuna was reluctant to accept their offer, but what did he have to lose?

Especially since the oldest member of the trio called in a fourth member who tried her best to bring Inari out of the depression he had sunk in when his mother was captured by Gato's thugs.

* * *

With Kushina guarding Inari (and Tazuna to a lesser extent), Loki, Karin and Naruto were free to clean out Wave of it's bandit problem.

Thor had even sent along Mjolnir so Naruto could get used to it while he cleaned out the trash.

"Is it a bad thing I don't feel the least bit sorry electrocuting these morons?" asked Naruto, using his hammer to channel lightning. With the return of Thor, he finally had some idea how to do it without electrocuting himself and then hear Kurama bitch about healing him after.

"No," came Loki's flat reply.

"I can't believe Konoha let it get this bad. It's within their protected territory and not one of their shinobi thought to deal with this issue?" said Karin in disgust.

"They were hired to deal with it, but they backed out when they found out that the mission was 'misranked' and went home. Old man Tazuna lost his daughter for it, and the bridge was never completed," said Naruto, using his storms to deal with a cluster of bandits.

His control over weather only got more refined as he had a chance to actually use it. It was funny really... Thor's mortal form had named him after a character in a book written by a pervert...but in reality his name was absolutely perfect.

Maelstrom. Because his powers got even worse near large bodies of water. Worse for his enemies that is.

Naruto's powers over the weather were damn near absolute in places where there was plenty of water. He could create hurricanes and rogue waves so quickly it was impossible for captains to avoid them. Or he could dispel such things with very little effort at all.

And unlucky for these bandits, Wave was surrounded with the stuff.

A short midget with a god complex finally arrived.

"So... you think you're big stuff just because you took out a couple of bandits. Heroes aren't welcome here," he sneered.

"We're not heroes," said Loki.

"Nor do we particularly care what a _human_ thinks of us," added Naruto cheerfully.

"Can we get to the explosions already?" said Karin, her eyes gleaming.

"Fortunately this is why I hire perfectly capable missing nin on retainer," sneered Gatou.

One man was rather big, if you hadn't seen Heimdall. He had a massive sword on his back that practically _begged_ Loki and Naruto to ask if he was compensating for something.

Next to him was a teen about seventeen or eighteen. They wore a mask commonly found on shinobi hunter teams. It was hard to tell if it was a boy or girl with what they were wearing.

"So just to be clear you're sending a mummy with a sword fetish that is clearly compensating for something, and an asexual fake hunter nin," said Naruto flatly.

Both nin twitched in annoyance.

"I'm going to enjoy gutting you, you little brat," sneered the older nin.

Naruto took out Mjolnir, set it twirling before he grabbed it by the hilt and sent some magic into the sky. Seven fat lightning bolts crashed with an almighty roar around the two shinobi and their midget of a client.

"That was just a taste. Care to revise that statement?" asked Naruto calmly, holding the hammer out with electricity crawling over the hammer.

The man took one look at the now very ominous looking hammer, then at the midget behind him.

"Either give us a raise in what you're already paying or we're walking away right now. You didn't tell us this kid could call down lightning without any handsigns!"

"What's the big deal! Just kill the brat and his friends like I paid you to do!"

"Oi, mummy. What's your name anyway?" asked Naruto.

"Momochi Zabuza."

"Right. Well Zabuza, how much is this loser paying you?"

"Not enough to fight some brat who can summon lightning bigger than my arm without any hand seals, I can tell you that damn much," said Zabuza crossly.

"That's all I needed to hear. I might have a much better and less dangerous job if you're interested. All you have to do is get out of the way of my shot at the midget," said Naruto with far too much cheer.

Zabuza looked at his friend, then the two promptly moved as far away from Gatou without leaving Naruto's line of sight. The merchant didn't have time to curse them as Naruto used his lightning to fry the bastard for all the trouble he caused.

There was a sudden silence as Gatou's crispy body collapsed on the ground. The remaining bandits looked at him. Naruto smiled back, his teeth showing.

There was a sudden lack of bandits or thugs in the street as Gatou's rapidly cooling corpse filled the air with a smell you'd be hard pressed to call pleasant.

It took the villagers, who had long since given up hope, several minutes before they realized what had just happened.

Gatou was dead and his thugs gone.

A ragged cheer filled the air. The hope that had been so cruelly taken away by the shinobi had been returned with interest.

* * *

"You have no idea how proud I am of you Naruto," said Kushina, watching her son abuse the shadow clone jutsu in the thousands to help rebuild the broken Wave country. With the help of the more experienced men, Naruto was even helping to finish the bridge to the mainland.

More than that, he was helping carry the massive logs that would form the walls that would keep the bandits from coming back, at least without a major fight. The people of Wave had lived under a tyrant and his thugs for far too long. Training them how to fight and at least defend themselves would go a long way in preventing a repeat. Besides, Naruto didn't really have much of a use for gold anyway.

"All set here boss!" shouted one of the clones.

Naruto took out Mjolnir and started hammering the logs into the ground with his inhuman strength. The people of Wave accepted the explanation of him being the son of a thunder god without question.

Zabuza and his accomplice Haku found themselves training the able bodied men and women in taijutsu and some minor water jutsu. At least until they were at a point where they could take out bandits without having to rely on Konoha.

And that was a big selling point for Zabuza. Being able to piss off one of the big five in a way that they couldn't declare war on the recovering village for.

Sure, they had only been planning to stick around for a month, rather than two, but this would create long term benefits.

For one thing, it meant they could have a proper meeting place for the Uzumaki clan once they started to spread the word out.

Kushina was helping as well...she used her chakra chains to hold the logs in place while Naruto put them in the ground deep enough that it would take some serious damage to move them.

And to insure that the shinobi never found out what they were doing, Naruto had a wall of mist around the area that made it impossible for anyone in the mainland to see what was going on. By the time any Konoha nin came this way, it would be far too late to do anything but report it.

Either way, after they abandoned Wave to Gatou they weren't going to be welcomed...and if they did manage to get in, they were going to be charged through the nose for it.

The people of Wave might one day forgive their betrayal, but they wouldn't forget any time soon.

It would take them three more weeks, but when the last log was put into place and the last brick was set in the main bridge, a cheer was heard. The mist dispelled, and the finished buildings could be seen in the bright sunlight.

The people of Wave unanimously agreed on the name of the bridge.

The Great Naruto Bridge, for the demi-god who restored their battered country and ended the reign of the monster who nearly destroyed them. More than that, he had restored the pride and given them a second chance.

It wouldn't be long after Naruto and his group left that the people of Wave started exporting strange charms.

The Hammer of the Gods, that brought down the storm that wiped away all the evil of the world.

Little hammers that were imperfect duplicates of Mjolnir would be common around Wave...as were the older representations of the hammer, courtesy of Loki giving them one of the older charms from Asgard to Tazuna. In between the Uzumaki swirl, the symbol of the mystical hammer were carved damn near everywhere.

* * *

"Sir, we have new reports from Wave country," said a random ANBU.

"Report," said Sarutobi.

There had been an unusual amount of activity from Wave, as well as an impenetrable mist that had worried him. He did feel some pity for the people, when his men came back and blacklisted them for under-ranking the mission request, but such were the way of things.

The ANBU handed over pictures they had taken. Not only had the bridge been completed after the mess of the attempted escort mission by the main bridge builder on the island, but there was now a rather respectable wall that had multiple carvings on the wood. The hammer was unknown, but the swirl was very familiar.

It was the symbol of the Uzumaki clan.

"According to local reports, which are limited at best, the bridge has been named the 'Great Naruto Bridge' for the man who singlehandedly rebuilt the village and helped place a wall. There are rumors that he is able to use lightning jutsu without any hand seals whatsoever, and his strength is far above any civilian."

Sarutobi sat up at the name.

"What are the descriptions of this 'Naruto'?"

"Blond, blue eyes, roughly seventeen or eighteen, with whisker marks on his cheeks and an orange shirt and black pants and cape. His hair reaches to the waist and he carries an intricately carved hammer that summons lightning as thick as a blacksmith's arm without seals. Has a very notable disdain for shinobi and their villages," said Eagle.

He sagged. Naruto was alive...and thriving from the sound of it. More importantly from the reports alone he could guess that the seal they had placed to deal with the strange storms the boy always had around him growing up had broken or been removed. And the hammer was familiar as well.

"Summon Snake. I want her to look into the odd weapon that was found a few decades ago in one of the abandoned training grounds and see if it's still there," said Sarutobi.

"Yes sir."

Snake went to the training ground and found an empty hole where a massive warhammer should have been. From the looks of it, it had been empty for some time because the hole was filled with water.

Anko returned to the Hokage to report.

"That weird hammer is gone. Has been for some time, I'd say."

"I should have known. Damn near every shinobi in the village tried to pick that thing up at some point, and the only one to succeed in claiming it was Naruto," said Sarutobi.

It was a curiosity and a joke. Most jounin told the genin about it to watch the more arrogant ones get some much needed humility, as common consensus said that anyone who could pick up the damn thing could keep it.

"I want someone to look into this hammer that the citizens of Wave carved into their wall. I want to know what it is and the significance of it. And I want it yesterday," said Sarutobi.

He had the feeling that finding the source of this "hammer" would lead him straight to Naruto. And after five years, they desperately needed to find him. They were already on the brink of war after the Suna/Sound invasion.

It had been sheer luck that the underside of the roof had collapsed and the ANBU had been able to come in through the hole in time to aid him.


	10. Chapter 10

It didn't take long for word to spread about a non-shinobi who protected the weak. In fact Naruto was more surprised it took a full month for rumors to spread about him. The more good deeds they did, the faster rumors went ahead of them and the more he saw tiny hammer charms carried by civilians. Loki found it more than slightly amusing, watching children run around with pretend hammers slaying bandits and helping civilians without asking payment in return.

More importantly was the way the shinobi themselves reacted. It was very obvious how they felt about someone going around using "jutsu" and going on 'missions' without demanding payment.

Such a concept was a threat to their entire way of life. After all, that much power should only belong in a shinobi, which Naruto most certainly wasn't.

In fact to...ahem... _hammer_ that fact in, he went around explaining rather vocally _WHY_ he wasn't in any shinobi army and had no desire to ever be in one.

He never lowered his voice, he never hid what the discussion was about while in bars, and as a result, every shinobi village in the Elemental Countries now knew the infamous tale of Mizuki and the boy who had left his village in search of a better life than Konoha.

Naturally the Konoha shinobi were all scrambling to dampen the fires that the story sprang, namely the upswing in enemy shinobi trying to pull a fast one and the sudden decrease in mission requests due to the lack of faith from their wealthy clients.

Suna couldn't be happier about the Leaf's predicament, because the clients that Konoha lost generally went to them and the other outlying villages. Sure, their Jinchuriki was a homicidal maniac, but at least they didn't outright try to sabotage his shinobi education or treat him unfairly...not that they could due to Gaara's ultimate defense and the fact he'd cheerfully kill them for it, but it was the principle of the thing.

The Village Hidden in the Sand was many things, but at least they didn't have the reputation of abusing _children_ that Konoha was starting to get.

And it really didn't help that the civilians of Konoha didn't know to keep their mouths shut about the blond, so when discreet inquiries were made by enemy shinobi and other merchants, and they heard how the 'demon brat' used to terrorize the village with his pranks and how they were glad the brat was gone...well it didn't look good for the Leaf village.

* * *

Jiraiya grimaced when he heard yet another story about his home village. The public opinion of Konoha had really gone down hill lately since Naruto had finally reappeared on a public level. It would be a total public relations _nightmare_ if Konoha tried to reclaim him right now. Especially since he had made it clear he didn't want to go back.

As if it wasn't bad enough that people outside the village (those who had no connection to the Kyuubi attack on the night Naruto was born, or any knowledge of the tailed beasts in general) finding out that even the civilians had been discreetly "trained" by the shinobi to treat an innocent child like a monster was not something the nobles wanted to hear.

Merchants were actively avoiding the village if they could, and the import to the village was slowly drying up. No one wanted to be associated with Konoha at the moment if they could avoid it.

Right now the only thing he wanted to do was get roaring drunk.

Even his own contacts wanted nothing to do with him.

So imagine his shock when he saw a familiar head of blond hair in a drinking contest with Tsunade herself!

"CHUG, CHUG, CHUG, CHUG!" came the cheering section of a pair of drop dead gorgeous red heads, one of which looked remarkably like...

Jiraiya's jaw dropped as an inkling of horror came upon him.

" _Kushina?!"_

The older, and far more drunk red head blearily looked for the source of the incredulous choking sound, before cheerfully waving at him and then going back to cheering her son on to more drinking.

Tsunade slammed her sake cup down, and was grinning wildly. She was going to have the bitch of all hangovers in the morning, but dammit she was going to drink this upstart under the table even if it killed her liver!

By which point she'd promptly find a missing nin with her bloodtype and force Shizune to transplant their liver in place of her already dead one, along with the kidneys which needed replacing. It wouldn't be the first time, nor would it be the last.

"Another!" shouted Naruto, much in the manner of his father. He didn't smash the sake cup, because closer inspection revealed it to be made of pure gold.

After the first time he'd had a drinking contest with the weak glass, Naruto had had an epiphany (some would call it common sense) and had a custom sake glass made so that he could smash it on a table and it wouldn't break.

Coincidentally it was also the reason why Tsunade got into said drinking contest in the first place. She wanted that cup so she could sell it and get some serious cash for her gambling addiction.

Jiraiya was dumbfounded, until he was subtly maneuvered onto a clear table by a slicked-back black haired man with green eyes.

"They're not going to be in any condition to answer questions until dinner tomorrow at the earliest," he said sagely.

"...How?"

"Hmm?"

"How is she alive? I saw her body myself after the attack."

"Oh that. They were faked, and odds are the modified clones are gone by now. The graves were just for show after all," said the man.

Jiraiya stared, unable to comprehend what he was being told.

"I think I'll be needing a drink."

"Most certainly."

The man pulled out a jar, and it was filled with a sweet smelling liquid. He then brought out a pair of shot glasses.

Five shots later, and Jiraiya had said farewell to sobriety for the night. Meanwhile Tsunade's legendary liquor tolerance finally gave in to Naruto's own as she slid under the table and passed out. Naruto shot back one final drink, to the cheering of the crowd as Karin collected her bets.

* * *

Jiraiya couldn't believe what he was hearing. Minato was in fact a displaced god who had been sent to their planet to learn a lesson in humility. Naruto had somehow found the weapon which _should_ have broken the seal on his father's memories, and was promptly reclaimed by his royal parents and was now heir apparent once Minato ascended to the throne the next time his dad took a sabbatical. The black haired, green-eyed man was in fact the other prince and Naruto's adopted uncle Loki.

Somehow Naruto and Karin had accidentally traveled to the past, and decided to kidnap Minato and Kushina rather than allow them to be trapped in Naruto's stomach like they were originally were.

And now Naruto and his small group were going around the Elemental Nations reclaiming the Uzumaki as a favor to the soon-to-be-Queen and so they could bolster the already impressive defenses of this 'Asgard' place.

He had to shake his head.

"I swear it sounds more like something out of a fairy tale for the nobles," said Jiraiya in disbelief.

"I could summon my father if you want, but last I checked he's been wanting to have a word with you after he found out you had never checked up on me growing up," said Naruto helpfully. Jiraiya winced.

Kushina had already kicked his ass in that regard.

"And that's not getting into the fact how pissed Grandmother was when she found out that you hadn't fulfilled your job. If you think the king's going to be bad to deal with, just wait till she gets through with you," continued Naruto far too cheerfully. Loki winced at the mere thought of Frigga.

"I'm confused," said Tsunade, who had only stuck around because she recognized Kushina once her hangover had passed.

"My grandparents are pissed because Jiraiya was appointed my godfather and never bothered to check on me," clarified Naruto.

"No, I'm confused as to how she's alive in the first place," said Tsunade.

"You don't remember the rather large sum of gold you were paid to fix a rush job on a recent mother about seventeen years ago?" said Naruto, raising an eyebrow.

Tsunade blinked, blearily tried to recall when that was, and then remembered.

"I retract my statement. So does this offer extend to _all_ Uzumaki, or..."

"Oh yeah, I forgot you're mother was an Uzumaki too. Eir's going to love chatting with you," said Naruto, clicking his fingers.

"Lady Tsunade?"

"I'm sick of having to dodge debt collectors, and starting over entirely in a new world without the worry of somehow being dragged into being Hokage is way more appealing than sticking around."

"Plus there aren't any casinos, and you're more likely to become very welcome among the fighters since you can heal and fight," Naruto chirped in.

Shizune looked doubtful, until Kushina added the one thing that would guarantee she wouldn't cause a fuss.

"We can bring you back any time, and they have more ways to heal people. And without casinos and very little opportunities to gamble her life away, Tsunade might have a chance to heal. Besides, Eir's always looking for more people to teach," said Kushina.

"Just keep Ton Ton as far away from Volstagg as possible, otherwise he might try to eat him," said Naruto wisely. Loki snorted in agreement.

Tsunade grabbed anything she cared to take with her, and she left with Kushina when she went back to Asgard.

The cheerful (if fiery) red head mostly came back to her home world to get out of the extra etiquette lessons. She had to go through them once, she'd be damned if she had to go through it all over again.

* * *

Kushina cackled when Shizune took one look at Asgard and actually fainted.

"This is where you're going to be living?"

"Oh, it gets even better up close. Luckily they didn't mind teaching me how to pilot one of the ships...Loki's a better teacher than you'd think. Speaking of ships... here comes Min-Min with one now~!" said Kushina, spying a familiar head of hair.

Tsunade hid a grin as she watched Minato (who went by Thor) kiss his wife.

"How was the Elemental Countries?"

"Still as bad as ever. Should have seen that perverted toad's face when he finally found out we're alive."

Thor grinned evilly.

"Just wait, once Konoha tries to get our son back, Mother said she'll be paying the old monkey a _personal_ visit to chew them out."

Tsunade grinned evilly.

"So what's this I heard about about some new healing techniques?" she asked hopefully.

"Lady Eir will probably enjoy debating healing magic and healing chakra," agreed Thor. She had certainly found what little Karin had known about the subject rather fascinating.

He eyed Ton Ton with a grin.

"We've already warned her about Volstagg. I can't wait to see Fandral's face when he tries to flirt with Tsunade," said Kushina. Thor let out a booming laugh, as he could easily see the result of _that_.

 _In the castle..._

Eir and Tsunade hit it off almost immediately. Both of them were healers at heart, and the moment they saw it each other, they recognized a fellow doctor. When she heard the reasoning behind Tsunade's bad habits, she was rather sympathetic. The more she heard about these...shinobi, the less she liked the nonsense they put themselves through, all in the name of a false loyalty.

She could hardly blame Tsunade for being so willing to make a clean break from it all.

It didn't take long for her to set out a few cups of tea out while the two women debated healing techniques.

Soon they even had Frigga enjoying a nice cup of hot tea while they chatted.

"I must say, I'm surprised a...shinobi...chose to come here rather than stick around your realm," said Frigga.

"It didn't help that I'd been avoiding my own village for years already."

"Yes, your...village..." said Frigga with open distaste. Tsunade gave her a tired smile.

"Far be it from me to defend the honor of Konoha. My loyalty to them only extends to the point I'll not destroy it myself and I feel zero guilt forcing them to pay some of my debts occasionally. They screwed themselves over when they abandoned Naruto like that," said Tsunade flatly.

Frigga liked her more already.

"Lady Tsunade?" said Shizune uncertainly.

"It's alright Shizune. It's nice that we'll never have to worry about those idiots trying to drag me back again. As much as I respected Sarutobi-sensei once, he's brought this on himself and I'll not try to clean up the mess he created," said Tsunade.

"Mess?" repeated Shizune, not quite getting it. Tsunade sighed.

"His first mistake was letting Naruto's status as someone holding a bijuu out for the public. His second mistake was allowing the 'advisers' to be formed. His third mistake was not putting an end to the nonsense the civilians and shinobi pulled from the get-go around Naruto," said Tsunade. She sneered as she said "His final mistake was allowing the council to have a say when he should have forced Jiraiya to make Naruto his apprentice immediately after the nonsense with Mizuki, rather than allow the councils to essentially ban him and deciding his fate. If he had done his job, rather than be swayed by public opinion, then perhaps none of this would have happened."

Shizune winced. When she put it like that, it was technically the Third's fault that Konoha's reputation was going down the drain.


	11. Chapter 11

"You know, had this happened a century earlier, I'd be jealous being ignored."

"Good thing you matured, right dad?" said Naruto cheerfully.

"No, I just learned there's a difference between being ignored and enjoying not having the spotlight on my every move," deadpanned Loki. He shuddered in remembrance.

All the little things he had come to take for granted had been placed under far too much scrutiny for his tastes, such as his habit of using the old paths rather than the bifrost to get around. Sif had taken almost perverse enjoyment keeping him from slipping off on his own for a few hours.

He had never realized that with the crown came the complete lack of something the thrived in.

Privacy.

Loki hated being followed at almost every hour of the day.

The subject of the discussion was the fact that almost everywhere they looked in a civilian-run village (they didn't go into any Hidden Villages for obvious reasons) you could almost always spot people carrying a tiny hand-carved hammer with them.

The civilians seemed to regard the hammers as good luck charms. The fact that they were actually the old symbol of Mjolnir from Midgard was a minor detail.

The Asgard were revered as Gods once before...and no matter how they felt about the matter they did gain some power from faith. Loki had been inundated from the shinobi sect because he thrived in the shadows as much as they did.

So while the shinobi prayed to Loki, the civilians and some of the samurai prayed to "Arashi", the God of Storms and protector of the innocent.

Arashi was not a shinobi, though he used their jutsu and could be a sneaky SOB.

He was a warrior, one who gleefully took to Asgard's own code of honor. And that code did not restrict him from delivering much needed justice, even if it meant executing criminals.

People saw his hammer and trademark orange (he no longer needed it to force people to see him, but he still loved the color...he had several capes back on Asgard in one variation or another) and they smiled at him. They welcomed him with open arms and never shunned him.

Loki watched his nephew/son with knowing eyes. Contrary to Loki, Naruto thrived around people. He no doubt got that from both parents. He didn't mind the presence of others, whereas Loki preferred the quiet of the library and the privacy it gave him while he was reading. And yet, they understood the true pain of being alone.

It was as if he were polar opposites with himself. The boy he was before had gone through unimaginable loneliness, unable to gain even a single kind word save from a scant few individuals. One of which he had trusted to protect him, only to be betrayed horribly in the end.

The man who Loki followed through the Elemental countries now still held the remnants of that pain. So much so that he held an empathy that Thor instinctively lacked. He _connected_ with people on an emotional and instinctive level, to the point he converted enemies into trusted allies.

Well, trusted to the point they didn't try to stab him in the back afterwards.

He used that pain as a weapon, and Loki had watched with fascinated eyes as his nephew could turn even the most cold hearted assassin into a trusted friend. Had seen his trust given freely, and had it tentatively returned in spades. And if they betrayed him, generally they found understanding and forgiveness...even as Naruto beat the living shit out of them, or killed them for it. It was the nature of this world, a strange mixture of betrayal and warped loyalty.

One village at a time, Loki watched from the background as Naruto started to heal wounds that had been festering for _centuries_. He didn't do it for the warped loyalty of the shinobi. He didn't do it simply because of some sense of honor like the samurai.

He did it because he was tired of seeing his home world hurting over centuries of accumulated pain and sorrow. War upon war, the deaths of countless shinobi over arguments that left wounds that only created new arguments. And under it all, civilians were caught in the crossfire.

Loki followed Naruto and watched in relative silence not out of some respect for a future king...but out of sheer fascination in watching his nephew work.

Naruto wasn't just performing good deeds...he was gathering an army. One the likes this world had never seen, one to _force_ the shinobi to either change the way things were done for untold generations, or else be thrown to the wayside. And the irony of this was the fact Naruto wasn't even _trying_ to gain such an army. He just wanted to find the scattered remnants of his mother's family and learn to be the best King Asgard had ever seen.

* * *

They were in the former Hidden Village of the Hot Springs...they found it more lucrative to be a tourist hot spot than a hidden village, and the shinobi had slowly been converted to an unusual police force...when rumor spread that there had been sightings of Leaf shinobi trying to harass Wave in an effort to bring it back under their "protection".

Naruto wouldn't trust the Leaf shinobi to protect a ruined storage seal.

"You know, you can fly to Wave in a matter of hours using Mjolnir rather than have to call Heimdall and hope he's willing to drop you off there," said Loki conversationally.

"Really?" said Naruto fascinated.

Loki walked him through the steps, as he had seen Thor do this trick many times throughout the ages. The fact that it would solidify Naruto's image as a "God of Storms" to the humans was a side benefit.

Naruto got dressed, pulling on his favorite orange shirt, black cape that wrapped around his neck like a shawl, and black pants. He slid on the protective gloves he had gotten which reduced the risk of him burning his hand through lightning manipulation, but left the fingers free to form any number of hand seals. He wore something that would look out of place on a shinobi, but provided far more protection than the open toed sandals that the shinobi had a preference for. A thick pair of black boots that had metal that could deflect any number of mortal weapons. Around his neck was a simple collar that could form his armor over his shirt and legs.

He didn't bother to tie back his blond hair, which now reached a little past his neck. One would be hard pressed to realize that the handsome blond man was the same scrawny child who had performed countless pranks on people for attention.

The man now didn't need his trademark orange. He held attention of everyone around him like a cloak, and he accepted it with some dignity. Though he'd still perform his infamous "Sexy Jutsu" and the even more effective variant, the "Harem jutsu" on a drop of a hat.

Hey, he was still a prankster!

He began to twirl the hammer rapidly, his wrist though the leather strap so he didn't drop it and fall out of the sky like a complete idiot (it had happened to Thor more than a few times when he first learned how to fly unaided). Then he stopped and pointed the hammer in the direction of Wave country.

It took Naruto several seconds to realize he was _flying_. Actually flying through the sky and clouds! Then he realized with some panic something Loki hadn't taught him.

" _HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO LAND?!"_

Back at the hot spring, Loki was chortling with evil amusement. Learning how to get off the ground was easy... Naruto would have to learn the hard way how to land. Everyone had their own methods, and it all boiled down to the same thing.

Practice, practice, practice.

Karin poked her head over the fence.

"Why did I just hear Naruto shouting in a deranged and slightly panicky manner?"

"I told him how to fly, but neglected to tell him how he was supposed to land."

Karin and Kushina processed this, before they joined Loki in some healthy evil laughter at the blackmail they were about to have on Naruto for later.

* * *

Naruto landed in Wave sometime during the night, thirty ruined trees, five massive craters and a few false starts that crashed him into a boulder later. He had landed some distance away from the wall and away from water so he could shout at Heimdall to stop laughing at him dammit!

(If Heimdall hadn't been watching the initial crash, he did the first time Naruto said his name, and yes, he did record it for blackmail material...and no minor amount of payback.)

He didn't bother to disguise himself, as that would only make it harder to get in. Wave had developed a reasonable paranoia towards strangers after the first near successful infiltration attempt by the Leaf.

When the night watchman recognized him, he was quick to open up the passage into the village. The same passage that was filled with water and carnivorous animals when not in use. It had been one of Zabuza's idea for a more morbid defense/exit.

The passageway was lined with stairs and holes that would pour water in at a pace too rapid for all but the most experienced shinobi to be able to reach for any devices to breath water. The man-eating fish (imported from Mist country and fed the scrap fish, but only enough to keep them alive) would swim into their little ponds and come flooding out with the water, making it one hell of a nasty trap. And it could only be emptied from inside using a blood seal keyed to certain people. Any use of more than a civilian's worth of chakra would fall into an open pit that lead to the main pond where the fish were drained into when the water was removed.

The people of Wave felt more secure with such defenses around their village. More than a few bandits had been unlucky enough to fall prey to the trap of the open entrance.

Zabuza and Haku had the dubious honor of being captain and vice captain of the defense force, meaning he had free reign to create many such traps so long as there was minimal risk of the villagers being caught in them, and he marked them appropriately where only the inhabitants could find them.

Like Naruto had said it was a cushy job that provided damn good pay and he was free to kill any hunter nin stupid enough to bother them. And there was minimal risk of being stabbed in the back, which was more than could be said for working with Gatou.

"Finally heard about the Leaf trying to encroach on your territory, did you?"

"Oh I heard alright. Fill me in so I know what level of pranks I should lace the road outside the Leaf village."

So Zabuza told him. The more he talked, the darker Naruto's mood became. Unknown to him, his hair slowly shifted from a sunny blond to the color of blood until it reached his roots. Zabuza hadn't detected a single jutsu or any chakra, so it was unlikely that the boy was doing it himself.

As if a switch had been flipped, where the easy going Naruto had been, the vengeful and mischievous Arashi had taken his place.

"Right. When are the next batch of morons due to arrive?"

"Mid morning. That's when they usually show up. From what I can tell, the Konoha council or someone inside it doesn't like the fact there's a militaristic village so close to theirs, never mind that if they had done their damn job they wouldn't have had reason to learn how to fight."

Zabuza found it odd dealing with civilians, but Haku found it refreshing. The reason why the shinobi sect dominated most of the power in the Elemental nations was because there was a distinct power gap between the civilians and the shinobi. If that gap was equalized to the point where mere civilians could take out bandits on their own, the shinobi would find themselves having to get their shit together.

Which actually gave Arashi the perfect idea with how to deal with the shinobi villages he disliked so much. It would give them a taste of their own medicine and keep the civilians from being victims in their wars.

He was going to teach more civilian villages how to fight so they didn't _have_ to ask the shinobi to help.

"Right. Time to put the fear of the gods into these morons," said Arashi crossly.

* * *

As it turned out, the group trying to bring Wave back under Konoha's protection was lead by a senior ANBU who had been around since before the Kyuubi attack. The second he recognized Arashi, he screamed like a little girl and tried like hell to run the other direction.

Naruto/Arashi saw this as one big prank, so he played along with the whole "God of Storms" title he had going on. His dad might be God of Thunder, but his son would rule the storms.

"Commander who is that man?"

A whispered discussion followed, and whatever was said to the younger shinobi had them paling rather impressively.

"I am the Kami of the Storms! Uzumaki Arashi ! This area is under _my_ protection, not you feeble shinobi! You failed to protect them when they needed you the most, so you are not welcome here now or anytime soon! Leave before I bring the force of the hurricanes down on you!" said Naruto boldly, his stance that of absolute confidence.

Some of the younger shinobi, mere chunin at best, scoffed at his claim.

That is until Naruto calmly pulled out his hammer and raised it to the sky. With a little magic, the sky darkened and clouded over. The ominous sound of thunder was heard, when before there was a clear sky without a single cloud in sight. Fat bolts of lightning struck the ground, causing it to tremble and quake from the force of the blast.

The shinobi took one look at Naruto, then at the blackened ground and the now rather terrifying sky overhead. The rumbling of thunder continued until Naruto could tell they had cleared the area.

Zabuza was impressed...and reminded why he had agreed to train _civilians_ rather than get the hell out of dodge, or worse challenge Naruto when he first met him.

"Not bad. I think I saw a few of them piss themselves when that lightning hit so close. So how are we going to play this?" he asked seriously. He eyed the civilians nearby, all of them in a familiar position of prayer to a kami.

Naruto's eyes gleamed. Technically it wasn't lying, just a slightly altered version of the truth.

"Here's what I want them to start spreading..." he said conspiratorially. Zabuza was grinning evilly under his mask.

* * *

Loki barely raised an eyebrow when he heard the rumors, shortly before Naruto came back. The evil eye his nephew gave him was entirely worth it.

"Arashi, the god of storms?"

"Loki, god of shape-shifting, chaos and lies. Kushina, the goddess of seals and wife of Thor. Karin, the goddess of illusions," said Naruto evenly. "I didn't skip out on any of you."

Karin preened at her new title, as did Kushina. Minato claimed to be a master at fuinjutsu, but in reality Kushina had been the one to create the original death god seal, he just modified it.

"I'm just surprised you decided to give us all names," said Loki dryly.

"Let's face it, the civilians here are superstitious, and if I didn't run with it they'd give me something even more silly as a name. Giving them something to work with makes it easier to implement my plan to force the shinobi villages out of business," said Naruto.

"Out of business," echoed the girls incredulous.

"What do you think will happen when the power gap between civilians, samurai and shinobi suddenly started closing? Where they didn't have to hire out of their village to get rid of minor nuisances like bandits, and where the shinobi are suddenly out of many jobs that are critical to keeping their precious villages running?"

Kushina's eyes gleamed as she caught on.

"If everyone is equal, then the odds of the shinobi running roughshod over the land with another war drop. And if it becomes known that the Uzumaki clan were responsible, all thanks to their patron deity Arashi..."

"Then we won't need to relocate the bulk of the clan. We can make a school for civilians to come and learn basic and advanced sealing, with the mastery level stuff left to the clan. They can go back and teach others, and through them they can start cutting down on the necessity for shinobi in the first place."

"The hidden villages won't like it," warned Karin.

"I don't give a shit. They make more of their money off their damn wars than they do missions. They're the reason why entire sections of landscape have been remodeled, compared to the chaos the bijuu caused," said Naruto flatly.

Karin and Kushina winced, because he had a point. The shinobi were usually the instigators of the wars that remodeled the landscape, and at the core of it all they made the most profit while the civilians had to deal with the fear of the fallout. The first hidden village had been a good idea, but by the time the Third Hokage reclaimed his old post, everything had gone downhill. The entire shinobi system was corrupt and outdated.

Sure, they wouldn't like finding the civilians no longer needed them as much as they had, but either they changed with the times or they fell to the wayside.


	12. Chapter 12

There was a new cult growing, and unlike the rather terrifying Priests of Jashin, this "Arashi, Kami of Storms" had an actual face that the civilians could speak to...and he actually _did_ something whenever sailors prayed to him. Those that carried the growing trend of intricately carved hammers found that the weather was just a little bit kinder on their voyages. Oh, there was still storms but the risk of running into a ship killer dropped more than enough to support this "Arashi" and his claim of being a god.

Now under normal circumstances the shinobi would pay such a god no mind. After all, it was obviously some missing ninja who had a god complex.

Except the it wasn't just the sailors or the pirates who prayed to him. And those that started erecting shrines to Arashi and his group also had the worrying tendency to teach their able bodied men and women how to fight. Those with bloodline limits on the run (particularly in Water country) suddenly found shelter among these villages so long as they helped to train the other civilians how to fight and helped to bolster their defenses.

One civilian who could fight moderately well wasn't a threat. Entire villages who could handle bandits on their own without hiring shinobi and were learning the very things that made shinobi a step above their less trained counterparts was far more worrying. It meant an entire village full of enemies.

More worrying was the sudden drop in mission requests and the fact that the Daimyos were all starting to look into said villages and their patron god Arashi.

The shinobi villages had been around for decades, if not centuries. The idea of changing the way they did things hadn't crossed their minds. It was fairly obvious that if the missions continued to drop (thus restricting the incoming money flow) and the civilians continued to learn how to fight as well as a genin (which was more than enough to deal with bandits) then the entire shinobi structure could very well fall apart at the seams. All out war would break out.

So the leaders of the hidden villages began to plot. If this Arashi continued to be a threat, then clearly he'd need to be dealt with before things got out of hand.

* * *

The first attempted assassination came from Kumo. It was fairly obvious what their thought processes were.

They'd kill Naruto and steal the hammer, because every time he summoned a massive storm he always did it with Mjolnir. It wasn't out of laziness or because of the hammer's power, but because he found it easier to channel his magic through it. He could summon storms without the hammer, but it generally formed much quick using it.

And to build the reputation of the Asgard among people who had never heard of them, they needed speed over control.

Odin hadn't been pleased when he found out what his grandson was doing, but he allowed it for one simple reason.

Naruto wasn't trying to force the values of Asgard or it's culture on them. He was just teaching the weak how to defend themselves without having to rely on the shinobi, who were little more than mercenaries who had a monopoly on the more powerful techniques and would abandon their duty simply because they weren't being paid enough.

The humans of Midgard had a saying which Loki had tactfully put to use to help assuage Odin's dislike of the idea.

The old 'give a man a fish' argument.

The civilians could rely on the shinobi to protect them, or they could defend themselves. The only thing Naruto was doing was giving them the much needed instruction on _how_ to protect themselves without having to worry about the fancy spells the shinobi used.

Kushina killed the man without hesitation. He deserved it, trying to interrupt their dinner.

But the end result was the same. The group was put on alert that the hidden villages weren't happy with them giving the civilians training to the point they no longer needed their protection.

* * *

The next village they visited greeted them warmly, as was usual. However it held something of interest.

Namely in the fact that one village over had been attacked...and it hadn't been by shinobi or bandit hands.

Naturally that got their attention. So Naruto and his mother went to investigate.

Naruto whistled at the devastation.

"Damn. If I didn't know any better I'd say a shinobi did this," said Naruto, impressed.

" **Not shinobi. There's no lingering scent of chakra in the air,"** said Kurama. While in the shinobi countries, he generally preferred to sleep. When it really came down to it, Kurama was a lazy fox. He sniffed some more. **"I have no idea what this is."**

"Which means it's not from the Elemental Countries, since in the end everything boils down to chakra here," said Naruto.

Kurama jumped back in the seal when he smelled humans he didn't recognize.

A few moments later the loud mouth, the pink haired harpy and someone Naruto vaguely recognized as Shikamaru bolted through the underbrush trying to catch a smaller form. It took him a few seconds to recognize a ferret.

The ferret promptly ran up and onto Naruto's shoulder.

"Hey, it's you! You're that asshole that took out Kakashi in Moon country!"

"Shut up Kiba! It's not my fault Kakashi couldn't handle a little mental trauma!" shouted Naruto.

"Hey, how do you know my name? We never even talked to you in Moon," said Kiba, surprised.

Naruto rolled his eyes.

"Kiba Inuzuka, son of Tsume the clan head and second in line to become the head of the Inuzuka clan. Shikamaru Nara, lazy genius who loves to cloud watch and the heir of the Nara clan. Your best friend is the heir to the Akimichi clan and goes on a rampage whenever someone is stupid enough to call him fat to his face, but is in reality a gentle giant. Haruno Sakura, you graduated at the top spot for the Kunoichi, despite the fact your combat skills were a total joke and you hung off the every word of the 'last Uchiha'. You broke off your friendship with the heir of the Yamanaka clan, Ino, because you consider yourselves rivals for the affection of 'Sasuke-kun', though you were still the duo heads of the Uchiha Fan Club back in the academy," said Naruto.

The shinobi went on the defensive rather quick.

"How the hell do you know that about us?"

"The same way I know it was you who helped to glue all the practice kunai to the ceiling fans when you were ten. Your mom made you clean the kennels for two straight weeks after Iruka made you help around the Academy until they paid for replacement kunai, since it was too troublesome to pry the damn things loose from the ceiling fans," said Naruto. He made a familiar handsign, making the Konoha nin even more tense, before transforming.

The slack jaws of disbelief and recognition were priceless. Kushina was cackling. Even she found his 'Sexy jutsu' more than a little hilarious.

"NARUTO?!" said Sakura, recovering first.

Naruto dispelled his naked girl henge and grinned.

"Yo. Long time no see. Though last time I had red hair because I knew it would be easier to sneak around," said Naruto smugly, his hands behind his head grinning.

"Troublesome. You're the reason our village's reputation has been going down the drain, aren't you?" said Shikamaru, as things fell into place.

"Damn straight! You really think the king of pranksters would let the fact they basically banned me from ever becoming a genin go down without a fight?"

"Wait, banned?" said Kiba, still somewhat shell shocked.

"Remember Mizuki-'sensei'?" asked Naruto, spitting out the word 'sensei' as if it were a vile disease.

They all nodded.

"The bastard was a traitor to the village. Since I was the only one who didn't graduate, he used me to steal a really important artifact from the Hokage's tower, and one Sexy jutsu took out the Third long enough for me to make a break for it. Then the ANBU showed up after Mizuki broke a really annoying law that warrants an instant prison sentence, and when I was brought up before the councils they basically came to a unanimous decision within half an a hour, when it normally takes five. They said not to bother becoming a shinobi because I'd never make Hokage with such a massive black mark on my record, and then told me I'd be banned from taking the genin test again for two years. So I left. Best decision I ever made," said Naruto.

The shinobi all had rather sober looks, but things didn't really add up. They were likely to find out about Kurama, but Naruto could care less if they did.

"So what are you guys doing here anyway?"

"Pet retrieval," said Kiba.

"What are you doing here dead last?" asked Sakura. She immediately regretted the familiar nickname when Kushina punched her, hard, on the head.

"No one insults my son like that and gets away with it, dattebane!" said Kushina hotly.

"Mom, you know those bastards at the Academy, except Iruka-sensei, had it out for me. They used to give me the harder tests all the time," said Naruto.

"MOM?"

"Oh yeah, I forgot I was an orphan growing up. Meet my mother, the head of the Uzumaki clan, Kushina Uzumaki. And before you ask the obvious question, the answer is Time Displacement. Happens more often than you'd think," said Naruto dismissively. He turned to his mother with a serious expression, "So if this damage wasn't caused by chakra, do you think we should investigate?"

"Definitely. I've never heard of anyone coming from beyond the sea, so it would be worth checking out," said Kushina.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who said you should be checking out anything? You're just civilians!" said Kiba.

Kushina shot him an annoyed look.

"You know I happen to know your mother, little Inuzuka. Tsume has far more bite and she can back up her bark. You're still a puppy and I outrank your sorry ass," said Kushina.

"I'm a chunin!"

Kushina looked at her son.

"You still have that BINGO Book I gave you when you won that bet?"

Naruto reached into his bag, pulled out a scroll and applied a little chakra. He unsealed a BINGO Book and handed it to his mother.

Shikamaru verified it was real, if a few decades out of date.

"Page 69," said Naruto helpfully.

The genius turned it to the appropriate page, and Kiba choked.

"You're a jounin?!"

"Let's just say for sanity's sake I was dismissed from active service after I got pregnant," said Kushina cheerfully. Minato had approved the application for her to take a leave of absence from the active duty roster, and she would have to fill out the paperwork to return to the ranks of the Konoha forces. Which she had zero intention of doing.

"Anyway, we're going to look around to find out what did this. You kids have fun playing at being heroes, despite the fact that the job description basically turns you into heartless murderers who wouldn't help a village being tormented by tyrants," said Naruto with a straight face.

Hearing his former friends and one time crush sputter, he grinned wickedly at them.

"How could you say something like that!" shouted Sakura, her fist raised to hit him. One look from his mother quelled her rage.

"I take it you never heard of Wave country then?" said Naruto dryly.

Kiba and Sakura winced.

"So your team was the one that got hired to 'escort' Tazuna to Wave, only to back out the last minute, thus leaving him to the tender mercies of Gatou."

That wince came back twice as strong now.

"He misranked the mission. Our sensei refused to continue since we would only get killed if we had," said Kiba, though Naruto could tell it had left a nasty taste in his mouth saying that.

"Do you know the consequences of abandoning a mission from a new client like Tazuna?" asked Naruto quietly. Shikamaru couldn't look him in the eye, which meant he had an idea what Naruto was about to drop on them but wasn't going to enlighten his teammates. "If a shinobi returns to the village and reports that a mission was under ranked, then the client gets blacklisted for no less than a year. And since Tazuna was representing Wave, that means that even if they did come up with the money they needed to hire Konoha at the appropriate rank, then the village would have refused them. Do you know what happened when Tazuna returned without any shinobi?"

Sakura and Kiba were listening intently to Naruto now.

"His daughter Tsunami was taken a week after he came back, and by the time they were able to find her the only thing we could do was a mercy killing. They had passed her around like a party favor until I came in with my friends and killed Gatou. Her son hates Konoha because of the fact that you were too cowardly to continue the mission and because of that his mother was taken."

Seeing their horrified faces, Naruto continued.

"Konoha pretends to be one of the nicer villages, but at it's root it full of liars and people who'd kick someone when they're down. Which is why we've been going around teaching civilians how to fight and stand on their own two feet. So they don't have to trust unreliable shinobi to handle things like bandits."

Shikamaru spoke up for the first time since Naruto explained to the other two the way of the world.

"You. You're Arashi the God of Storms," said Shikamaru.

Naruto pulled out a hammer that all shinobi had been warned about prior to leaving.

"I tripped over this the night Mizuki ruined any chance I had of being a shinobi. Only found out later it was a legacy left by my father, and that only a worthy successor could pick it up, much less wield it. I have the power to help civilians without demanding payment, so why shouldn't I?"

"You're going to completely undercut the shinobi villages," said Shikamaru.

"Your point? The system is flawed, and it's in need of a good shake up. Either the hidden villages learn to adapt and grow, or they die off. It's long past time someone helped out the little guys that fall through the cracks of the shinobi's precious missions," said Naruto flatly.

He could see the gears turning in Shikamaru's head.

"OI! Naruto! Are we going to head out or stick around!" shouted Karin.

"What do you think Mom?" asked Naruto.

"I'd say the chance of seeing something from the continent is too good to pass up. We should at least investigate further," said Kushina cheerfully.

"We're sticking around!" he shouted back to Karin. He turned to the trio behind him, and handed Kiba the ferret.

"Have fun playing at being assassins," said Naruto. Kushina grabbed onto his neck as he twirled the hammer and let loose. He enjoyed the shocked expressions of Kiba and Sakura as they flew through the air a short distance to Karin and Loki.

"Troublesome."

* * *

"Well we got the ferret, now what?"

"Depends on whether we find the client any time soon or not. Let's look for them and keep an eye on Naruto's group at the same time," said Shikamaru. Outwardly he was the same, but his mind was moving a hundred miles a minute.

He, like many of the Nara clan had sensed the change in the winds. Konoha wasn't like it was when they were growing up. There was some spark that was missing from it...and if pressed they could openly point to the moment it left.

The day Naruto was declared missing by the Hokage. They had never found out why someone who had always loudly declared he would be Hokage despite all the crap threw at him had disappeared and never returned.

And to be honest, his father had complained often enough about the old dinosaurs on the councils who refused to let things progress. How the Third had looked tired since the invasion, and his post wearing him down the more years went by.

If they could find someone new to follow, someone who represented what Konoha was supposed to be, instead of the dried out husk that stood in it's stead now, he had little doubt that his clan would switch sides.

Naruto had stood as a beacon of hope, not that they had realized it. Now that beacon had disappeared, and they all felt the lack wearing on them.

Besides, the blond had always been a good friend, and Konoha shinobi were loyal.


	13. Chapter 13

It didn't take long for the three chunin to get busted for spying on their old friend. And it took even less time for Kushina to drag them into their campsite.

It had less to do with her feeling charitable to the Leaf shinobi and more to do with keeping them within arm's reach in case they tried something.

The more time Shikamaru reminisced with Naruto, the more an unsettling fact began to take root in his mind.

Konoha was dying.

Ten years, twenty, it made little difference. Just being around Naruto brought back a spark Shikamaru hadn't known was missing until he saw the blond again, but now that he realized something was terribly wrong it began to fester. Like an open wound that was almost impossible to treat.

Finding the caravan that had hired them to retrieve their pet, Shikamaru and the others stuck around Naruto's group. If pressed, he would claim to the Hokage that he had chosen to do some reconnaissance on the source of the new cult that had been worrying the older shinobi for some time.

It was impossible to miss the change in Naruto.

Six years ago, Naruto had been a goofy kid who loved pranks and was always hiding his real smile from everyone. Oh, he pretended to be happy, but you had to be a complete idiot to miss how miserable he was or that his stomach would ever-so-occasionally rumble from lack of food. He had been a runty kid, but in decent enough shape, despite being dead last.

He still had more stamina than most of the civilian born students.

Now though...it was clear Sakura was regretting turning Naruto down so often. Naruto's baby face had filled out into something that had the girls more than interested in him.

Though to be fair her infatuation with Sasuke had taken a sharp dive after his 'retrieval'. The last Uchiha hated Konoha and everything to do with it, and would gladly help burn it to the ground if given a chance. He knew for a fact that the council had discreetly turned him into a brood mare for a more loyal generation of Uchiha, and at one point he had tried to kill himself and take as many of the ANBU down with him.

Shikamaru had noticed an unsettling number of young children under four with Sasuke's raven locks and dark eyes around the village. It was obvious that the council had no need for Sasuke as an individual, and had already taken steps to reclaim the Uchiha bloodline without needing his consent.

There were some things that not even Shikamaru could stomach, and if he ever found out where Sasuke was he'd give his old classmate a mercy killing.

While he was alone with Naruto, Shikamaru brought up what happened to Sasuke, guessing the blond had never learned the fate of the last Uchiha.

Naruto was uncharacteristically quiet, but quickly bounced back. It didn't take a genius like Shikamaru to realize Naruto would likely retrieve Sasuke or kill him to end his misery.

It wasn't his problem. Something was inherently wrong with Konoha, and something had to change.

* * *

Kiba couldn't believe the change in his old pranking buddy. Yeah, he had noticed when Naruto went missing...but hadn't thought much about it. He was too busy being a genin.

The last time he was around Naruto, he had smelled like a fox. Now he had the distinct scent of an Alpha and the crisp smell of lightning. The only person he had every heard of with that combination of scents was the Fourth Hokage, and that was from his mother getting a good whiff of his scent before he found out her abilities during the Third War.

Naruto had filled out from the runt of the litter he had been, to the leader of a pack.

But it was more than that.

Kiba couldn't really place it, but when he mentioned it to Shika later, he realized something.

There was something missing in Konoha. Some sort of spark that had been trampled into dust when Naruto disappeared. A spark that Kiba found he missed. A lot.

He could laugh and brought up old pranks with Naruto...and cracked up at some of the new ones Naruto spoke about...but he was openly dreading returning to his home. He didn't want to lose that cheer and joy that Naruto seemed to bring around him instinctively.

* * *

Sakura Haruno didn't know what to think of Naruto. For the longest time she had dismissed him out of hand, except as an annoyance.

Then he left, and suddenly there was a void in her life she hadn't realized until she saw him again.

Her obsession with Sasuke lasted only until he left the village and was dragged literally kicking and screaming back. The way he had treated her upon leaving had destroyed her infatuation with him.

Without Naruto around begging her for dates, she suddenly found a lack of people even willing to give her a shot. Something she found increasingly unpleasant the older she became when boys started to look quite a bit more interesting.

The shinobi men looked at her and saw a little girl playing ninja. She was great at repeating the textbook by rote, but her skills were openly lacking. To the point where she'd be lucky to get a date from her coworkers.

The civilian men looked at her and saw a kunoichi. Someone they thought was pretty enough, but not worth the trouble of dating. It didn't help that her temper still got the better of her or that she could destroy boulders with her fists.

Sakura found out the hard way once she reached chunin that no one was willing to consider her 'dating material', and had been forced to look into alternative options. Ino had it easy. She was a kunoichi from a respected clan, and the heiress to boot. She could find a partner for the night and not have to worry about dating.

The worst part was that now that she had found Naruto again, she quickly realized that she hadn't been the only one to grow up.

He had grown up and filled out more than she had.

And the thing that hurt most was that while he did regard her with some fondness, he didn't look at her or greet her with the 'Sakura-chan' that she had come to miss.

Instead all he saw was an old friend. One he remembered with some fondness, but had little to no interest in as a woman.

It hurt. It hurt a lot.

And as if to grind salt into an open wound, Sakura found that there was an energy in her that she had never noticed was lacking until she saw Naruto. Like he could bring out the best of people without even realizing it. She wanted to cling to that light around him desperately, but she couldn't because she was a kunoichi...and he had more or less left Konoha behind in the dust.

She found herself clutching to a tiny carved hammer that had been going around the civilians for a while now.

Arashi, the God of Storms and protector of the innocent. Who would have ever thought Naruto of all people would become so well known without being a shinobi?

She held the hammer tightly, hoping that some of Naruto's infectious personality would stick when they were forced to part ways.

* * *

It was hard to believe how time flew. Naruto could remember like it was yesterday what an idiot he had been growing up. Being around familiar faces brought some of his goofy personality back, but he had been through too much in too short a time for him to do more than reminisce. He had a family, parents and a place where he belonged, and as much as he missed old friends he wouldn't trade that for anything.

The weight of Mjolnir reminded him that as much as he missed the old times, he had a place to call home and people who loved him.

More than that, he had a purpose in life.

So no, he'd leave the past in the past.

Hearing about what happened to the arrogant prick known as Sasuke however added yet another reason why he refused to go back to Konoha.

Shikamaru had likely known what Naruto would do if he found out about Sasuke, and didn't care.

Naruto had run into Itachi and Kisame, but the two had left in a hurry when he started throwing lightning bolts thick enough to fry them if even one hit around like it was nothing. But not before Itachi left a note in his pocket telling him where to find him.

Somehow he had a feeling there was more to the story of what happened with the Uchiha than they were told. It would be interesting to see how the Hidden Rain village, who might likely welcome Arashi's group, would react to the son of Thor.

Namely the fact he could dispel the permanent rain storm around their village long enough for them to actually get some damn sunshine for once.

* * *

Naruto and Shikamaru split off from the main group, mostly to do some recon and find out who had attacked the small village earlier. He agreed that it was worth looking into, at least for a few hours.

Shikamaru was stunned at the change in the way Naruto fought when they were suddenly ambushed.

For one thing, Naruto didn't used to have a battlecry which he proudly (and rather loudly for Shikamaru's poor hearing) declared before diving into the fray with absolute abandon.

"FOR ASGARD AND THE ALLFATHER!"

Naruto wielded his hammer like an extension of himself, and the strange soldiers that ambushed them didn't stand a chance against his enhanced strength. Naruto had long since passed the minimal requirement to join the ranks of the Aesir, and with it came an enhanced strength and an extended life span that only increased his absurd healing rate from being a main line Uzumaki.

The tin soldiers crumpled under his weapon, as he laughed with pleasure at a decent fight. Shikamaru was having trouble killing even _one_ of these things, yet Naruto was destroying them with ease.

It made him shake his head at the stupidity of the Konoha councils that they kicked out someone like Naruto so easily.

Suddenly there was a lack of anything to fight, and Naruto took time to wipe the minuscule amount of sweat he had from fighting. There was so little it was a wonder he even bothered.

"Ah, that was a decent spar. Too bad there weren't more of them!" he said loudly, grinning like an idiot.

Or a battle crazed nut. Konoha was full of such people, so it wasn't hard to tell Naruto was one too. Still, it was fun being around Naruto.

Unseen by either boy was a blond figure with red eyes, watching them like hawks. He made note of the other blond in orange with the hammer, but dismissed the boy with the headband as inconsequential. He could barely handle one opponent, much less the ten that the blond had taken out. Then the blond looked right at where he was standing, and hidden by the way he was positioned, smirked at him.

It was an odd feeling, but he had the distinct sensation that the blond knew they were being spied upon _and didn't care_.

And that terrified him. That the man was so confident in his abilities that he dismissed a spy outright, even going so far as to smirk in his direction... clearly he bore watching.

* * *

Naruto and Shikamaru returned to the caravan, where they found the odd sight of Kushina teaching some of the women how to perform basic hand-to-hand attacks. It was odd because of the looks Sakura and Kiba were giving her.

"What's going on?" asked Shikamaru.

"She's teaching them _clan taijutsu_ ," said Kiba, as if that explained their expressions.

Shikamaru's expression almost mirrored theirs.

"Why?"

"There's a few reasons. The two main ones are because it helps cut down on the caravan's concerns about bandits, and because it'll help them direct any missing clan members in the right direction," explained Naruto.

Shikamaru caught on first.

"Because your clan would recognize their style being used by outsiders, and would demand to know where they learned it. The caravan could direct the missing members to an agreed waypoint to be recognized by the clan head and hopefully collect those that got scattered," said Shikamaru, deducing the second reason for teaching them something most clans held secret if only to keep it in house.

Kiba blinked, but his expression changed slightly, as if it were no longer confused.

"I think I've heard about the Uzumaki clan, in one of Iruka-sensei's old lectures about villages that failed."

Karin heard that comment and bristled.

"The village didn't fail, dog-breath, it was taken out by three major villages because they feared us."

Seeing the way the chunin reacted, Karin elaborated. In a way, the Uzumaki were like the caravan they were traveling with at the moment. Homeless, scattered, but still hanging on through sheer stubbornness.

And Naruto was spreading the word that he was calling them home. Even if the Village Hidden in the Whirlpools would never be the same after the attack.


	14. Chapter 14

There was a loud thud that alarmed the shinobi greatly, but didn't bother Naruto or his group one bit. They recognized the light show.

"What was that?" said Kiba, grabbing his kunai.

"Just someone coming from home to visit...or my father coming to borrow Mjolnir for a while," said Naruto.

"Or to drag me to yet another noble party. Thank the Allfather that Asgard is firmly a warrior society," said Kushina annoyed.

If Asgard had been like the nobles of the Elemental Countries, where one had to play _nice_ all the time, she didn't think she could stomach it. No, Asgard was an old warrior society, meaning they chose their queens and kings based on the ability to fight, rather than their ability to handle politics. So long as she could reign in her temper long enough to avoid insulting anyone too important, most of her outrageous behavior was tolerated or ignored.

The only reason why she wasn't stuck in more etiquette lessons was the simple fact that she had more or less proven she knew most of what they were trying to teach (she had grown up as the clan heiress of a rather large and noisy family, one which had a village to themselves) and she really hated being bored.

So they let her spend plenty of quality time with her son, while Loki discreetly taught Naruto everything he and Karin needed to know.

At this point Karin was considered his second-in-command and his personal adviser, so she was a permanent addition to the family. It didn't hurt that Naruto basically treated her like the sister he always wanted, but never had a chance to have until now.

Hearing the shout alerting the camp that someone was approaching (smart move, considering Naruto was sometimes bored enough to trap the area around them while they slept) a blond man that had all three Konoha shinobi staring in shock approached.

"Hello father," said Naruto cheerfully. Thor nodded to his son before kissing his wife.

"Come to borrow your wife or the hammer?" asked Loki.

"Actually I came to get away from mother's politic lessons. Father is almost due for another one of his slumbers, so they're shortening the time limit until the coronation," said Thor easily. Loki snorted.

"Well you're in luck. We've stumbled on a rather interesting adventure that involves the continent across the sea."

Thor perked up at that. He had only ever seen the Elemental Nations.

"No way. The _FOURTH HOKAGE_?" said Sakura shocked.

"Oh yeah. I forgot he's supposed to be dead," said Naruto almost as an afterthought. "Shika, Kiba, Sakura, meet my father Minato Namikaze, or as he was known before I kidnapped him and my mom, the Fourth Hokage."

Kiba looked at him with disbelief, before his mind said what he was thinking before he had a chance to filter it.

"They threw out the heir of a founding clan and the son of the Fourth Hokage. Is the Konoha council full of morons or something?" said Kiba.

"Yes," came the unanimous reply of Thor, Kushina, and Naruto at once.

"Wait. How come you address him as 'father', but you address him (Shikamaru pointed at Loki) as 'dad'?" asked the Nara heir.

Thor looked at Shikamaru, before his face brightened.

"Shikaku's son?" he asked. Shikamaru nodded. He looked at Kiba "Which makes you Tsume's child."

Thor frowned at Sakura.

"She's from a merchant family father," supplied Naruto helpfully. Thor nodded, pleased he hadn't forgotten anyone.

He either didn't notice or didn't care that guessing their parents without being told had only cemented the idea that he was the Fourth.

Kiba accepted the fact that the fact that the blond who looked far too much like the dead Fourth Hokage was Naruto's father faster than Sakura or Shikamaru had, for one simple fact.

He smelled a lot like Naruto, only older and with a stronger lightning scent. Sure, Naruto had tints of sea and what could only be the wind (he was basing it on his limited experience in Suna during a few missions for trading), but so did Kushina.

The only time someone had a mixture of two scents like that was if they were closely related, like say parent and child.

So obviously this newcomer was Naruto's father. Even if he called the black haired man with sneaky green eyes "Dad".

Kiba wisely didn't say a word about what Kushina-san and the newcomer were up to when they both headed out to 'patrol' the area while the caravan set up for the night. Naruto obviously had an idea, but kept his mouth shut. It did not help that Loki kept making snarky remarks about him being an older brother soon if Thor had Kushina had any say in the matter.

The fact that if Kushina got pregnant _again_ meant she would have to return to Asgard until the child was born was one of many reasons why Naruto preferred not to think about it.

* * *

It was only natural to make the chunin do the hard work of infiltrating the rather odd transportation machine. Being from Asgard, it wasn't hard to guess that this was some sort of mobile fortress, one designed to allow one to infiltrate enemy territory without having to worry overly much about the local wildlife.

In other words, it was something to be more than cautious around, if only for the fact that it had an unknown number of enemies inside it.

What the reported only confirmed that it wasn't anything the shinobi were familiar with. Thor looked rather excited about finding out more of this strange power.

"So let me get this straight. Your big plan to completely ruin the shinobi villages...is to teach civilians taijutsu," said Kiba, looking at Naruto like he was nuts.

They were more or less riding on their respective nin partners (Akamaru had gotten big and Kurama had been bribed with the promise of chaos), while Naruto explained his big revenge plan against Konoha.

"Taijutsu and basic E-ranked jutsu," clarified Naruto. "Let's face it, most bandits can't handle a properly trained genin, which is the most the average civilian would be able to reach if they hadn't started early like you did. And I've been around the Third Hokage enough to know that a good chunk of a shinobi village's investment money comes from C-ranks, which is what dealing with bandits is generally labeled as."

Shikamaru, who was on one of the odd animals that the caravan let them ride, nodded.

"I see what you're saying. The most common missions for shinobi are D and C ranked missions. Take out the need for assistance in dealing with things like bandits and you'll force the village to prioritize their assets."

"To be honest, most of the shinobi wars are caused by there being a surplus of shinobi in one or more villages, and a lot of little things adding up until one big incident sets off the powder keg. If you look back on all the wars, or look at the records, you'll find that shinobi actually made _more_ money during a war than they do during times of peace. The problem is that most civilian villages tend to suffer from the fall out of the argument," said Karin, adjusting her glasses.

"Seriously?" said Kiba.

"I was a librarian during our excursion to the past, and there aren't any restrictions on declassified census documents. All missions outside the village came with a risk assessment multiplier attached during war times. After the wars ended, that RAM was removed within the first year, once the hostilities were confirmed to be over. Furthermore wars have a habit of promoting the village in more than just adding to the wallets of the shinobi. After a war, within the first three years there is always a massive baby boom and subsequent rise in Academy Students after seven years have passed," said Karin.

"No way," said Kiba.

"Makes sense. Odds are there'd be a influx of chunin and jounin, with only the really young remaining genin after a war. They drop the standards for promotions during war time efforts," said Shikamaru.

"I get that, but how does teaching civilians to fight like green genin get revenge on Konoha?" asked Kiba.

"Simple. Who do you think suffers the most during war times? The shinobi have their villages to back them up, but in most cases it's rare for some of the other villages to care about civilian casualties. Most of them won't even _bother_ with evacuating them during war times to avoid having some disguised shinobi stabbing them in the back. And you have to remember civilians have a _much_ longer life expectancy span compared to the average chunin. It's rare for shinobi to live past fifty, if they're lucky," said Karin.

"Civilians will close ranks against the shinobi, and the samurai will likely create agreed neutral territories during war times if they're asked the right way. Which means the only ones dying would be the shinobi, since most civilians could care less about the whole village affiliation thing that the ninja have, save to hate certain clans for accidentally killing off a favored family member," said Naruto.

"Which is why we're going to bring the Uzumaki clan back. Originally we were going to just remove them to Asgard, but then Naruto had the idea of teaching civilians how they could fight back and keep the shinobi wars away from them."

Kiba looked confused.

"Uzumaki are seal masters, for the most part. Who better to go around adding defensive seals around civilian territories to keep shinobi out unless allowed in? They help keep the three factions separate during times of war, and also act as the voice of their patron gods," said Naruto.

"Enforcers. You're planning to turn your clan into enforcers," said Shikamaru.

"Enforcers of keeping the peace. Did you know the Uzumaki clan was all but wiped out by three of the five major villages out of fear, because they were considered too 'powerful' thanks to their knowledge of fuinjutsu?" said Kushina.

Sakura looked fascinated.

* * *

Kiba and the other Konoha nin had to do a double take on Naruto and the Fourth's rather _loud_ battlecry when the camp was attacked.

The two practically jumped in the fray, and it was easy to see the resemblance between the father and son. But while Naruto was Thor's son in blood, it was pretty clear that he took more after his mother in personality...as well as his adopted father.

As much as Thor would have loved to raise his first born, the sad fact was that he was robbed of the chance. He had no issue with Loki being Naruto's father. At this point he was more like a beloved Uncle than his father.

There was also the fact Naruto now carried Mjolnir. Odin had noticed a sharp increase in Thor's ability to lead, likely as a holdover from his time as the Fourth Hokage, however short that had been. With Kushina keeping him on a tight leash when he was drinking only made the decision to turn Thor into the proper king of Asgard easier.

Odin was tired. He wanted Thor to take his rightful place as king so he could get some rest.

In return, Thor learned to use his father's staff. It was awkward, and he often used Naruto's original hammer that he used to blacksmith with when keeping the peace (his son didn't mind since he now used Mjolnir), but it worked.

The two of them fought like a well oiled unit. Not surprising considering they had fought together while Thor showed his son how to use the hammer properly.

Thor laughed boisterously as they took out the odd women with the powers to change. The armored figures (which proved to be empty) fell before them.

"That was a fun diversion, right old man?"

Loki snickered at the pained look on Thor's face.

"I'm not old."

"I'm only in my teens, and you in your hundreds. Hell, even _Mom_ is younger than you by several centuries. By that definition you're old and technically a cradle robber," said Naruto flatly. Kushina, hearing that comment, starting cracking up and Loki didn't bother to hide his laughter.

"Why did you have to take after Loki so much?" said Thor, face palming.

"You can blame the Third Hokage. He didn't exactly discourage me from pranking," said Naruto cheerfully.

"Oh believe me, he'll be ruing the day I take him to task for his failures. And what was with that swing? You failed to take their heads off cleanly!" said Thor.

"I've already fought these guys. I was more worried about those weird women than I am about them. Even Marauders put up a better fight," said Naruto.

"True, they did put up a rather unsatisfying fight," agreed Thor.

* * *

 _One week later..._

Shikamaru felt like he had gone through the ringer. In between running into Naruto again, having to deal with people from the continent (there was something about helping out the emaciated teens get back on their feet and establishing a proper village) and finding out the Fourth Hokage and his "secret" wife were in fact alive (Naruto kept insisting on the term "time displaced" saying that the seal in question had been dismantled) this simple pet retrieval had been a total headache.

But it was _nothing_ compared to the after mission report. The second the Hokage found out they had a run-in with Naruto, they ended up having to spend twelve hours repeating everything that happened. And then go in for a psyche evaluation when they mentioned seeing the Fourth and his wife.

Apparently the fact he _had_ a wife was kept very secret at the time, at least until he had a few kids to pass on his bloodline. The fact Kiba positively identified his wife from a photo, and her old nickname only made their story much more believable, because the fact that Kushina had died long before ANY of them would even know about her meant they wouldn't have known to ask.

Generally people didn't talk about already dead shinobi. Oh they might visit the memorial stone like Kakashi did, but that was about it. Shinobi lived fast and died quickly, often in less than pleasant circumstances.

And when he got home, he then had to endure yet another interrogation from his family.

This was not his month.

* * *

Kiba was not having a good day. Sure it was nice to catch up with Naruto again, but the headaches they got when they came home almost wasn't worth it.

And that was _before_ his mom had him doing a comparison test with a pair of old shirts she had locked in scent containment boxes.

Akamaru helped confirm the scents...which only set off his clan.

Apparently the shirts had belonged to the Fourth Hokage and his wife.

Tsume called a full meeting of the clan. At least all those within the village.

"Kiba confirmed the scent. The Fourth is alive, as is his wife."

"How is this possible? We all saw the bodies. Their death was confirmed!"

Tsume looked to Kiba, who pushed down his nervousness and repeated what Naruto told him.

"He said there was a seal in the remains of Whirlpool, one that could displace someone in time. He faked the remains and kidnapped the Hokage and his wife, and thanks to the Fox no one looked too closely at the remains."

There were plenty of murmurs from the clan. The Uzumaki clan _was_ known for it's seals, some of which were beyond the imagination. If they had a seal that could travel _time_ , and not just distance, then it would make sense that they would become seal masters.

"Makes sense that the Fourth's son would do the impossible," chuckled Tsume.

"Wait, Naruto really _is_ the Fourth Hokage's son?!" said Kiba, in disbelief. "Then why did the council all but kick him out of the shinobi program because of a traitor in the Academy?"

"Explain," barked Tsume.

"Naruto said he was tricked by Mizuki into getting the Forbidden Scroll, and that when he was caught, the Council banned him from trying for genin for two years and all but told him he'd never make Jounin, much less Hokage. It's why he left...he figured he'd never be Hokage, so why stick around?"

Tsume looked pissed, as did most of the clan.

She hated the Council, but they were stuck with it anyway. The civilians had far too much say in the village, and none of the shinobi clans enjoyed the fact that they pretended they were better than shinobi because they had more money.

* * *

Sakura felt out of place. After the intense after-mission report she came home to an empty house. She had moved out of her home after one too many attempts to get her to quit the kunoichi life...and to avoid the embarrassment of having to listen to her mother bitch about one-night stands.

After seeing Naruto and how happy he was, knowing he was among family and people who genuinely wanted him around...it felt like ashes in her mouth.

She knew that she could have been that happy, had things been different.

It looked like yet another night of a cold bed and nasty hangovers in the morning.


	15. Chapter 15

**Just to be clear here, Naruto is NOT going to be paired with anyone from the Shinobi Nations. He's well aware that it could be used to tie him to a village, and he has zero interest in that happening. As for Hinata, while she still admires him, she outgrew her crush years ago.**

* * *

Itachi meet up with Naruto in a civilian village that paid homage to "Arashi". Kisame had come too, if only because he had been promised a really, really good no holds barred fight with someone who knew what they were doing. Two seconds with Thor and Mjolnir, and he was in his happy place without Itachi to spoil the mood.

"We're here. Now what do you want?"

"Either to rescue your brother or give him a mercy killing. Shikamaru told me what happened to him."

Itachi's full attention was now on him.

"So why call me?"

"I know you Itachi. You loved your brother more than anything, so you can't be happy with the fact they're essentially using him as a broodmare for new Uchiha loyal to that damn village. So I figured if anyone would be...invested...enough to ignore the possibility of collateral damage we might cause, provided we don't kill any civilians... it would be you," said Naruto flatly.

Itachi stared and didn't react quickly enough for Kushina to come up close to him.

"You can't see very well, can you?" she said sharply. Itachi winced.

"His breathing isn't very good either. He's hiding it well, but I can tell something's off about his lungs," said Karin.

Naruto looked Itachi in the eyes, and asked flatly "Who would you back first. Konoha or us?"

"You. As loyal as I am to Konoha, I'm not exactly _enthusiastic_ about helping the same people holding my brother as collateral against me, let alone what they're doing to him."

"Here's the deal. We're trying to even the balance of power among the three factions."

"Civilians, Samurai and Shinobi," said Itachi. He heard rumors.

"Now I've heard the Akatsuki actually treat the civilians like people, not like crap like some of the villages. But they don't let them run over their shinobi like Konoha does."

"They revere Pein as a god. He protects them from the wars in the area."

"Here's what we can do. Get us in contact with the leader of the Akatsuki. I have no love for Konoha, and if necessary we can hire you and some of your friends to retrieve or give your brother a mercy killing. I could care less about the whole 'god' thing, since it's not really doing any harm," said Naruto simply.

Itachi nodded.

"Pein has a vendetta against Shimura Danzo. Having some allies who don't have any real reason to love Konoha would probably catch his interest," said Itachi.

More than catch his interest, if what he suspected about their 'leader' was right.

Itachi settled into a meditative position and used a jutsu meant for long-range communication. Kisame would be happy enough playing with the Fourth Hokage.

Fifteen minutes later, he opened his eyes.

"Pein would like to speak with you in Ame. I suspect, but have yet to confirm that he's part of the Uzumaki clan."

"In that case we'd love to speak with him as well," said Kushina.

"After Thor gets done playing with the shark. He sounds like he's having a lot of fun."

Itachi seemed to come to a decision.

"If you are able to come up with an agreement with Pein, would you be adverse to letting me join you? I would have cut ties with Konoha a long time ago as long as my brother was safe."

"I think we could live with bringing two more shinobi to Asgard. Odds are grandfather would be thrilled as long as it's not more pranksters," said Naruto, snickering.

"Oh yeah, didn't Odin have a panic attack realizing that there would be four pranksters on the loose?"

Naruto cackled, and Itachi had some major flashbacks to some of the pranks... oh. Oh no.

"Dear kami, _you're_ Arashi Uzumaki, the terror of the ANBU, aren't you?" whimpered Itachi.

"Do they still talk about the 'incident'?" grinned Naruto evilly.

"You're the subject of multiple horror stories told to insure that the rookie ANBU stay awake during the most boring missions! I've heard stories that would make a man's hair go white at the thought of being your target for more than a single prank!" said Itachi, shuddering.

Naruto's laughter sounded far too much like Loki's at that moment...which unfortunately for Itachi sparked laughter from Kushina _and_ Karin, who had been part of some of those pranks.

* * *

Thor paused in his fight with Kisame. He shuddered.

"What's that noise?" asked Kisame, popping his head out of the water and wondering why every instinct he had told him to flee for his sanity.

"That, my blue-skinned friend, is the sound even the most evil devils will learn to fear. The sound of an Uzumaki reminiscing about a humiliating prank and getting _inspired_ by it to cause even more pranks," said Thor shuddering.

"Uzumaki? As in the clan filled with insane seal masters, scientists and all around chaos bringers? _Those_ Uzumaki?" said Kisame wide-eyed in pure terror. Thor nodded.

"It gets even worse. I married one," said Thor.

"You poor, poor bastard. So I take it your son took after the mother then?" said Kisame in sympathy.

"And worse, he considers my brother, who is _the_ worst prankster in Asgard, as his real father. Perhaps if I had been allowed to raise him, he might have had had some of those instincts curbed. As it is now..."

"...Who did you say let the fox loose and almost killed you again?"

"He called himself Madara."

"Right. I'm going to insure he gets his punishment for essentially allowing the creation of the worst hellion in the history of the Elemental Nations. At this rate the only thing that'll stop the Uzumaki clan from ruling the world is to give them something else to point their insanity at," said Kisame flatly.

Naruto's plan to reunite the clan and had them work as 'enforcers' of the peace was possible...if only because Kisame knew of the clan and had countless run-ins with them. When they weren't pranking someone, they were coming up with humiliating and horrifying pranks that would strip a man of his will to live. Being the target of a bored Uzumaki, or worse, putting them on a streak for revenge pranks, was tantamount to being put in the nut house, if you were _lucky_.

No one wanted to piss off an Uzumaki.

* * *

It took all of five seconds before Naruto used his power over the weather to clear Amegakure of it's rain problem (thus allowing the people who lived there to see _sunlight_ for the first time in YEARS) and ten seconds for a woman with blue hair to show up looking rather annoyed.

"Who are you and how did you do that?"

"Uzumaki Naruto. Itachi said that Pein would be expecting us," he replied equally blunt.

Seeing the hammer on his waist, she quickly deduced his other identity.

"Arashi, the god of storms."

"So do you want to talk shop or do want us to leave. Keep in mind that about an hour after we pass out of your territory, the rain comes back. I can keep it held off for a while," said Naruto cheerfully, not denying it. Thor had to go back, as he was still learning _diplomacy_ and was scheduled to take the throne from Odin sometime after Naruto's eighteenth birthday.

Odin had made it clear what _his_ plans were. Once Thor was properly on the throne and had a handle on being a king, Odin and Frigga were going on a long, OVERDUE vacation.

Considering how well known he was, Odin planned to visit Midgard or the Elemental Countries to spend some time with his grandson. Besides, he wanted to give Sarutobi Hiruzen a piece of his mind.

The woman twitched.

"Can you keep it off the village, but allow it to fall everywhere else? We use it to detect intruders and having it gone..."

"Eh, it's a nice way to test my control," shrugged Naruto. Once they were inside the village, the rain started pouring down like crazy five feet outside the gates. The sensors felt relieved, as they could detect intruders again. Meanwhile the children were giving the clear sky odd looks.

They went to a building that looked for public meetings. Naruto snorted.

"What?" asked the woman.

" _'I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum - a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.'_ I remember reading that somewhere and the list stuck," said Naruto. Kushina snorted.

"I remember that list! The Evil Overlord List! A numbered list of rules that evil overlords should keep in mind unless they want to get their ass killed!" said Kushina cracking up.

 _(Yes, I just quoted the Evil Overlord List. You can find it online if you look it up.)_

"I wouldn't mind having a look at this...list," said a voice. Turning, they found a man with orange hair and piercings.

"Rinnegan. You're using a puppet body, aren't you?" said Kushina.

"No, I get it. He has no idea if we're enemies, only that we could be potential allies," said Naruto.

"So. You have no love for Konoha, yet you wish to hire one of our teams," said Pein.

"We're planning to either retrieve or kill Sasuke Uchiha. Itachi said you might be interested in helping our main goal which is to reunite the Uzumaki clan and royally piss off the shinobi nations in a way they can't really fight against."

"Pein, hear them out," said the woman. She had heard rumors of how they were doing it.

"And what would we get out of this in return?"

Naruto grinned.

"Have you heard what's been happening in Suna recently?"

Pein's eyes narrowed.

"I've heard they've gone from one of the weakest of the Big five to being second to Konoha. And that they've recently converted to a 'religion' that's been gaining a great deal of popularity with the civilians."

"We paid a visit to Suna some time back...and showed them how to get back up on their feet without needing their cheapskate daimyo to help them. They're the first major shinobi village to carry our flag, all in exchange for a little help."

That and Naruto fixed Gaara's seal. If their Kazekage followed their 'religion', then the entire village would soon follow suite. All he did was point out that they could free up most of their shinobi army to train if they agreed to give their civilians basic training and allow the _civilians_ to do D-ranks for a little extra spending money.

D-ranks, by and large, were basically the village chores. And Naruto never saw the point of having to chase a damn cat all over the place.

As a result, Suna was _thriving_. And while Shinobi generally didn't care for gods (since most of them were big on the 'no-kill' thing), quite a few of them could agree with a warrior god that didn't really care so long as they didn't target the innocent. So long as the Suna shinobi agreed to leave civilians that didn't get in the way of their mission alone, then the god "Arashi" would smile favorably on them.

Considering Konoha had pissed him off, and was currently in the doghouse with their daimyo and most of the people they relied on to remain the top dog, they were inclined to behave.

It really didn't help their case when Naruto ran into the Fire Daimyo once, who had become interested in this "Arashi" and heard his side of the story.

He had gotten the cleaned up report of what happened with Mizuki, but hearing the cold, blunt truth from the victim of the whole thing really turned out to be an eye opener. Hearing from the civilians, particularly those in Wave, about how Konoha had basically left them in the hands of a tyrant because of the fact they didn't have enough money...well, that had pissed him off pretty good.

So yeah, Konoha was in the dog house while Suna was finally recovering enough to be called one of the "Big Five" again.

"What's in it for you?"

"Well I heard a rumor that the 'god' in Ame happens to be an Uzumaki. We'd be happy to back you up if that really was the case. We're trying to find the Uzumaki clan so we can bring it back," said Naruto.

Pein stared at him.

"And what would be in it for me, if I was part of the Uzumaki clan?"

"Back-up, sufficient supplies and the knowledge that Arashi would care less if you called yourself a god so long as you're not mercenaries like Konoha is," said Naruto flatly.

"And we could boost the defenses of this place so you didn't have to rely on the rain to warn you of intruders. Which is more important to you, the people of this village or the village itself?" asked Kushina intently.

"I could care less about the buildings, no matter _how_ Kakuzu's bitches about the repairs. So long as my people are safe," said Pein after a moment.

Naruto held out a hand.

"In that case, would you be open to a truce between the Akatsuki and the 'god' Arashi? We won't bother you if you go after Konoha for being full of assholes, and you'll leave us be if we happen to borrow some of your group," said Naruto.

"Perhaps. Our plan is to gather the nine bijuu and force the people into peace."

Naruto grimaced.

"Sounds more like you're giving the shinobi a reason to unite against you, thus sparking an all-out war with a lot of collateral damage. And let's face it, what good would really come out of having a weapon of mass destruction? All it would do is inspire the shinobi to get their own and have to live on the head of a pin, hoping like hell one of them doesn't strike first," said Naruto flatly.

Pein and Konan blinked.

Now that he mentioned it, the Moon Eye plan did sound ridiculous. If they got all nine bijuu together, all they had was a weapon of total destruction...and that would be more than enough reason for the shinobi to band together. Or worse, find _other_ beings of mass power to try an hold against them in a standstill.

That was a far cry from peace, and more in line with an eternal stalemate that could spark a lot of bloodshed.

"What would you suggest?"

"Well my plan is to even the balance of power between the three factions. Shinobi, samurai and civilians. We've been teaching the civilians how to fight, at least up to genin level, so that their need for shinobi intervention drops. The samurai don't care, as long as the shinobi stay out of Iron country..."

"And the shinobi have no say in civilian matters, unless they want the one holding the majority of their paychecks to suddenly cut ties with them. Remove the need for the majority of C-ranks, and they'll have to focus on the B and A-ranked missions, along with the rare S-ranked. Most of which are beyond the average shinobi's pay-grade."

Because most shinobi barely made it past chunin. Only the really dedicated made it to jounin, if they were lucky.

He had to admit, the plan was ingenious in it's simplicity. He couldn't count the number of C-ranks that had to deal with bandits or other minor tasks that a civilian could handle if they had the right training. Take out the D and C ranks from a village, and it would almost certainly cripple it.

What better way to force the shinobi into a state of peace than to take away the one thing that separated them from the civilians?

"The samurai must _love_ having you around," said Konan dryly.

"Mifune couldn't stop laughing when he found out why I was pretty much crippling the shinobi villages. He only laughed harder when he found out that it was Konoha's fault that I went on a massive revenge prank against them."

"Never piss off an Uzumaki into seeking revenge," said Pein dryly. It was an old, but true saying among those who knew of the clan. "In any case I don't see why Itachi and Kisame couldn't go with you, so long as you agree to cause as much damage to any ROOT bases you run into. And if you happen to come across a man called Shimura Danzo, feel free to send him here. I want to have... words...with him."

"Will these 'words' be painful and humiliating, or do you just intend to make him suffer before you kill him?" asked Kushina flatly.

"Some of the former, but more of the latter," admitted Nagato.

"...If you need any help making his life hell once we find him, just ask. We'd be more than happy to break him before giving him the most painful mercy killing possible," said Naruto, who's smile was all teeth.

"Only an idiot would deny the...assistance...of the infamous trickster god Arashi Uzumaki," said Pein.


	16. Chapter 16

He had the sense that something big was about to happen thanks to the charged energy in the air. For the first time in who knew how long, he felt a sort of _energy_ in the atmosphere, like a massive storm that would wipe the slates clean. Or at least leave one _hell_ of a mess to clean up after.

He didn't know up from down, left from right. Hell, at this point even Orochimaru had abandoned him the second he realized Konoha was using him as a breeding tool and that there were several children running around with the Uchiha bloodline that would be easier to mold to his liking.

After what Konoha did, he hated them with a passion. He also hated himself for falling for Orochimaru's lies, and for his weakness in failing to escape the hunter nin the first time around.

Now he was little more than a means to produce _loyal_ Uchiha to that damn village, and his hatred was all that kept him sane.

The first thing he noticed were the alarms going off. It was the first time in a very long time that he heard them, and the sound of pounding feet and yelled orders.

The second thing he noticed was a wave of _something_ hitting everyone around him, possibly a wide-spread genjutsu.

He felt hands on him, only these weren't the usual ones. For one thing they weren't pumping him full of any medicines meant to make him more...receptive...to their usual procedures to get the material they needed to breed more Uchiha.

He had been blindfolded for a long time, so naturally he blinked rapidly once light hit his eyes.

And the first thing he saw was his brother's face.

"Come to kill me at last?" he rasped. He hadn't spoken at all in a long time. He refused to give the bastards the satisfaction.

He found himself in the Tsukiyomi once more, and to his confusion all Itachi did was ask him a series of questions. Then he dropped the technique.

"It's up to you Itachi," said a voice that almost sounded familiar.

Sasuke was very confused as his brother carefully lifted him up. His muscles had atrophied greatly from disuse, and his mind was only now starting to catch up.

"Level it."

"Right, we'll rob the place blind, find out who took and then level the place. We'll make sure the children are at least relocated to places that have never heard of the Uchiha clan," said the voice hard.

Sasuke didn't know what was happening. All he knew was that his brother was taking him from this hell, and that when he saw the sun for the first time in who knew how long, he cried. Then he was knocked out, but it was the peaceful oblivion of real sleep, not the drugged kind.

* * *

"Well?" said Kushina.

"He has an understandable hatred of Konoha, his condition is poor, but his mind is fully functional," reported Itachi.

"So no mercy killing then?"

"Just keep him out of Konoha, or better yet send him to Asgard to recover. I believe your father has a group of personal guards, correct?"

"Right. He can become part of my guards in exchange for letting him join in if Konoha ever annoys us enough to burn the place to the ground and piss on the ashes," said Naruto cheerfully. "Oh, and Itachi? Tell him everything, including why you killed the clan."

"I will once he's awake and aware enough to eat," said Itachi.

"Kakuzu's going to be happy, especially since we now have the location of some of the ROOT bases," said Kisame cheerfully.

"One thing at a time. Once Sasuke is either stable or on Asgard under watch, we're leveling ROOT to the ground and blowing their secrets wide open. I'm not losing any sleep setting the other nations after Konoha while we continue leveling the playing field," said Naruto.

Naruto noticed Sasuke was awake and blearily looking around. His eyes weren't used to light.

It took him a few minutes to recognize Naruto, because he had changed.

"Naruto?"

"Hey Sasuke. I would ask how you're feeling, but even I can tell you look like shit," said Naruto cheerfully.

Sasuke was emaciated, and you could see the skin and bones. They had barely kept him alive, and he wouldn't be able to eat more than a little food at this point. His eyes were highly unfocused, as they weren't used to seeing light anymore.

Fortunately there were ways around that.

Naruto passed Sasuke a small bowl of rice, which they could all see he was struggling to keep down.

"Why are you here?" asked Sasuke, once he was reasonably sure he wouldn't be throwing up.

"Rescuing you, pissing off Konoha, and giving your brother every reason to tell our old village to go fuck themselves," said Naruto.

Sasuke let out a croaked laugh.

"You? Hate Konoha? You were practically the Hokage's grandson! He went apeshit trying to find you when you left!"

"Fuck Sarutobi Hiruzen. He screwed up our lives enough because he let the damn civilians have a say in shinobi matters. If you want, I'll personally make sure you're with us if and when Konoha gets burned to the ground, if only to piss on the ashes of what remains," said Naruto.

Sasuke looked him in the eye, saw he wasn't lying, and said "Deal."

"But before that, we're going to get you back into a somewhat healthy shape. Pein was nice enough to let us leave you in Ame with Itachi, since it means he doesn't have to worry about your brother betraying him and this way I know you're in good hands. I would have left you with Gaara and his people, but they're still allies of Konoha and you know they'll be at their doorstep bitching about 'bringing you home'," said Naruto.

Once they had finished sifting through the debris, Itachi and Kisame headed back to Ame with Sasuke on his brother's back. As much as he loathed it, he was in no condition to make the trip on his own and would slow Itachi down.

Meanwhile Kakuzu was spreading out his networks to find other ROOT bases for them to raid and destroy. In exchange he got anything of monetary value, while they spread the news about Konoha's dirty secret wide open through the civilians.

The more Konoha's reputation took a hit, the easier it would be to slip past the hidden villages to set up civilian towns with the basics of how shinobi genin fought. It didn't hurt that the _nicer_ missing nin were more than happy to settle down in the places who now followed Arashi in exchange for not having to run anymore. And that they trained the more interested civilians in how to fight, which would only piss off the shinobi villages even more.

* * *

The first thing Sasuke saw after the eye operation (he agreed to switch eyes with his brother once the benefits were explained) was Itachi.

Being told the unpleasant truth behind the Uchiha Massacre and how Itachi was more or less stuck between a rock and a hard place had given Sasuke even _more_ reason to hate his former village. On the plus side, Itachi had gone in after he received word that Konoha was using _his_ brother as a baby factory and sealed everything of value to the clan, purely out of spite. Danzo had been beyond pissed when he finally located the now empty remains of the secret armory, library and heirloom of the Uchiha. All of which was _only_ accessible to those with a fully active Sharingan and Uchiha blood.

Once he was back in fighting condition, he would be traveling with Naruto's group.

He didn't mind acting as the dead last's guard if it meant having a higher chance of running into Konoha nin with people who were more inclined to screw the Leaf shinobi over.

He _heard_ about what Naruto did to insure that his old "friends" wouldn't be getting any peace once their mission was completed. By revealing the Fourth Hokage and his wife were not only alive, but not inclined to come back, he had made certain that Shikamaru and the others would be spending a few restless nights explaining things to the council.

And it really didn't help Konoha's case finding out they had deliberately screwed over the Fourth's only child just because they had a lot of misplaced aggression to the Nine Tailed Fox.

Kurama hated the Uchiha clan, but he hated Konoha and it's arrogance even more. So long as neither Sasuke or Itachi tried to control him like Madara, he wouldn't eat them alive.

While Itachi insured Sasuke would be "back up to standards", Sasuke kept an ear out for the chaos Naruto was setting on Konoha. And he wasn't disappointed.

He was there when they sent a 'special delivery' to Pein, who had this vindictive glint as he unwrapped the box to reveal Shimura Danzo, minus an arm and one of his eyes. He only learned later the bastard had stolen over _ten_ Sharingan and had a head growing out of his shoulder.

He didn't know what Pein had in mind for Danzo, but he felt satisfied knowing that his death would not be quick, painless or dignified.

Never, ever piss off an Uzumaki to the point they sought revenge.

Sasuke hated being weak. And while he had always though Naruto was a total idiot back when they were kids, now that he had grown up and receive _actual_ training, it was clear that Konoha had a bad habit of holding the exceptional back and promoting the mediocre ones to keep the populace happy.

Naruto was strong. Much stronger than any of them had ever given him credit for. So much so that Sasuke felt zero regret in agreeing to act as one of his personal guards alongside his "sister" Karin.

He would act much like the "Warriors Three" (whoever that was) as his adviser and trusted back up. Though truth be told, Sasuke got along a little too well with Naruto's Uncle Loki.

Hearing a loud cheer, Sasuke looked up and saw Naruto coming in. It was hard to believe that he followed the kid he once considered a total dumbass.

* * *

Sarutobi was having _the_ worst year. As if it wasn't bad enough finding out all the things that his old rival had gotten up to under his nose, someone (and he suspected Naruto) had made it their personal mission to insure _everyone_ knew what Danzo had done under Konoha's banner.

The old adage about angering an Uzumaki rung loudly in his mind as he stared at the reports from Jiraiya.

As much as he regretted the disaster with Sasuke Uchiha and his felt, he felt zero remorse in allowing it. The boy had chosen his own path and gotten caught. Anything that happened after was a result of his own stupidity and bad luck.

More worrying was the fact that he had noticed a trend among the clans.

It seemed he would have to do a lot of damage control with the civilians and his own people to keep this from spiraling out of hand.

"Sir, we have more reports on our long-term field agents."

Sarutobi frowned. A lot of his older, more experienced shinobi were going on long term assignments lately. Not surprising, considering that the amount of C-ranks had begun to dry up with very little explanation.

On the surface, everything looked fine. Except his people hadn't come back, even those that completed their missions.

More than that, he had noticed a trend in clans recalling their members and that they had started sending out the younger ones with scrolls.

Asuma even spoke of how the shinobi with no family ties, such as Anko or Kurenai, had started looking into places _outside_ the hidden village.

It was the beginning of an absolute disaster, and he saw no way of preventing it without a lot of bad things happening...like the civil war Itachi tried to prevent.

Kakashi came in, looking haggard.

"Report."

"This cult of Arashi is gaining momentum. I saw no less than _five_ missing nin teaching civilians how to use taijutsu. Some were even teaching basic jutsu like how to dispel genjutsu."

Sarutobi gave him an odd look.

"Why do you look like you've been on the wrong end of a fire jutsu?"

"I _was_. Some of the missing nin are people from our end and they've been teaching the lowest level of elemental jutsu. And since our reputation has taken a massive nosedive, they were more than happy to use me as target practice on my way back," said Kakashi.

"...I'm getting told old for this shit. Civilians learning how to spam fireballs? A new cult about a god who teaches them _our_ ways without the missions to support the lifestyle?" said Sarutobi, reaching into his desk to pull out a bottle of sake.

He started drinking long before he started getting reports of where Naruto had gone to. It had only gotten worse as the blond started wreaking havoc without deliberately going after Konoha as a whole.

Now this. He was looking at a mass defection from his shinobi, and a severe hit to the treasury once the civilians finally got their act together to stand up to the shinobi.

The balance of power between the ninja, the civilians and the samurai (who kept the shinobi from running completely roughshod over their less trained counterparts) had been kept at a precarious peace.

However, Naruto's actions had started to put that entire system into jeopardy. Villages were forced to tighten down on their forces. Civilians were learning to deal with the headaches bandits caused without having to worry about whether or not they paid the shinobi to look the other way. There was an actual person who was rallying those who had been mistreated or abandoned by the hidden villages into _doing_ something productive that had far reaching consequences!

It was beginning to look like an all-out war was on the horizon...and at this rate, Sarutobi was no longer as confident as he once was that Konoha would weather it.


	17. Chapter 17

It was hard to believe, standing in his full Asgardian armor, his dad hold Mjolnir high as he walked up proudly to the throne, that he would be there, in this moment.

Naruto never would have guessed in his wildest dreams that he would be declared crown prince and heir to the throne, or that thanks to his actions his father would become King a little early.

As Minato, he had understood the responsibilities of leadership. He knew far too well the cost of war, and had felt the pain of taking lives.

Thor had been raised to take the throne. He did not agree with some of his "human" actions, but he understood why he acted that way.

As Odin once told him as a child, a wise king never sought out war. But he must always be ready for it.

Thor had matured enough that Odin believed his son ready for the responsibilities of being a king. His brief time as Hokage had only insured that the lessons Odin tried to teach Thor as a child stuck.

Kushina was next to Frigga. As Thor's wife, she would have to act as his Queen. And that meant she had to spend less time with their son. She was dolled up appropriately, and Karin had made sure that her cousin was properly ready to be declared Asgard's Queen. Her hair was put up in the traditional (and heavy) style of the Uzumaki clan head. Unlike Frigga, she wore a formal kimono meant for auspicious occasions.

Personally the Uzumaki couldn't wait for the coronation to be over with. The after party had been planned by them personally, which meant it was going to be _epic_.

Still, they could handle having to stand on ceremony for Thor to be crowned.

Odin slammed his staff onto the ground, causing instant silence. Thor knelt proudly as Odin began the ritual of passing on the throne.

"Thor Odinson, my heir, my firstborn. So long entrusted with the might hammer Mjolnir, forged in the heart of a dying star, it's power has no equal, as a weapon to destroy or as a tool to build. 'Tis a fit companion for a king. I have defended Asgard and the lives of the innocent across the Nine Realms from the time of the great beginning."

Naruto's attention span began to wane, and he could see from where his mother was that she was having trouble listening as well. Fortunately the ceremony was rather brief. He brought himself back to attention.

"Do you swear to guard the Nine Realms?"

"I swear," said Thor.

"Do you swear to preserve the peace?"

"I swear."

"Do you swear to cast aside all selfish ambition and to pledge yourself only to the good of the Realms?"

"I swear!"

"Then, on this day, I, Odin Allfather, proclaim you king. Rise, King of Asgard!" declared Odin loud enough to echo across the room.

Thor stood, and accepted the crown Odin placed upon his head. He walked up to the throne and took his place. Kushina stood stoically (for her) by his side as Frigga placed the other crown upon her head, declaring her Thor's Queen.

"Behold, the new King and Queen of Asgard!" said Odin proudly. The cheering was enormous and could be heard by the common folk on the streets. Soon they were cheering as well, as the news spread across the Nine Realms.

The party was enormous, and Odin was very relieved to see Thor behaving himself. Of course it didn't help that Kushina kept him on a tight leash.

Seeing his grandfather, Naruto had an idea.

"How about you join us in the Elemental Countries? I'm sure there are plenty of sights you could see, and you could make a vacation of it," said Naruto.

"I have been curious as to what could possibly curtail some of Thor's bad habits. And I do want to visit this...Konoha."

"I'll get the camera to capture that old monkey's face when Grandmother gets through with him," said Naruto grinning evilly.

* * *

The first and _only_ thought in Sasuke's mind when he saw Naruto's grandfather was...

"Intimidating."

"Yeah, he does kind of have that vibe, but he's held the throne for _years_ and he's in dire need of a vacation. So I told him to come here with grandmother and enjoy himself while my father learns the hard way what it's like to be king," said Naruto, grinning.

Sasuke gave Naruto an odd look.

"Grandfather? Would have expected you to be as informal as you used to be. You used to call that senile monkey 'Jiji', as I recall."

"Have you seen Odin? What the hell makes you think he's loose enough to let me call him gramps to his face? I mean Grandmother might not mind, but Grandfather..."

Sasuke looked at Odin, listening in, and then at Naruto. He could see the blond's point.

"What about your dad?"

"Let's face it, Uncle Loki is more of a father to me at this point than my actual birth father is. And Thor's cool with being considered the 'Uncle' since he knows he wouldn't understand the first thing about being a parent. He's hoping mom will get knocked up again so he can try again," said Naruto shrugging.

"Which knowing your luck will be soon. Personally I can't wait to see my brother's expression when Kushina's pregnancy hormones hit full swing. Some of the stuffier nobles are already finding places to hide now that she's going to be living in Asgard rather than traveling with us," snickered Loki.

"Oh yeah... Minato had some _hilarious_ expressions while mom was pregnant with me. I think he had THE most amusing one on his face when he thought she was going into labor at only eight months, when it was a false labor pain. I haven't laughed that hard in a while," said Naruto, cackling.

"I remember that! He was running around like a chicken with it's head cut off because he thought you were coming, while we were on the floor cackling like idiots because we knew the due date and he didn't! Even Kushina-nee-san was cracking up, in between throwing the kunai at him!" cackled Karin.

"Didn't she say she'd never let him touch her again, because she hated having to waddle around?" snickered Naruto.

"This coming from someone who beat Fandral the Charming at getting a date for the night?" snorted Karin.

"The dumbass can flirt?" said Sasuke incredulous.

"He's a prince, he takes after his dad in looks, and he's got charisma out the ass. Aside from having trouble in stuffy settings, he's insanely popular in Asgard and has no shortage in offers when it comes to sharing his bed. Good thing contraceptive jutsu are considered standard in all shinobi villages, otherwise he would have gotten someone knocked up by now," said Karin.

"Not exactly. Asgardians might be long lived, but the drawbacks are that we have a low birth rate to compensate. Divinity comes at a price," said Loki.

"I remember. Anyone from a 'pantheon' end up having a low birth rate unless they're with humans, who somehow manage to get pregnant at a higher frequency compared to gods. I wonder if that also includes Uzumaki? Isn't one of the common traits in the clan that we're very long lived and healthy to begin with?"

"Red hair, a penchant for pranks and seals, and we get a long life span to boot. All traits of a main line Uzumaki," said Karin, adjusting her glasses.

"Yes, well I'm sure mother will be _thrilled_ having plenty of grandchildren and great grandchildren to play with," deadpanned Loki.

"Yeah, not happening while we're cleaning up the mess the shinobi made. As much as the idea of having an even bigger family appeals to me, there's no way in Helhiem I'm having kids with a shinobi," said Naruto flatly.

That made Karin snort, as she had realized early on that while Naruto was almost dense in some aspects most people took for granted, he was supernaturally perceptive about the way people reacted around him. Karin suspected he had developed a level of empathy that bordered on psychic ability.

And because of how young he was when they first met, he almost immediately claimed Karin as a sibling, rather than a lover.

A shame, but she could live with having the goofball as a slightly younger brother...even if he did make some _fine_ eye candy and didn't mind walking around without a shirt on.

"So how did Pein react to the Evil Overlord List you let him borrow?"

"Let's just say he's been quietly implementing a few things on the list. Fortunately most of his people agree that the red and black cloaks are not tacky looking."

Karin snickered.

* * *

"...Remind me again why we're having drills in how to throw a kunai and shuriken?" asked Sasuke.

"One, because it never kills you to practice the basics. And two, because someone...I'll not bother to name who...gave Pein a _list_ of things people who want to take over the world in a way most won't agree with should and shouldn't do," replied Itachi. "Besides, this gives me the perfect opportunity to have some brotherly bonding time that we missed out on because father was an ass."

"What sort of list?"

"The 'Evil Overlord List'. Case in point one of the rules specifically state ' _My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice._ ' Considering the importance of being able to _aim_ , I think the list is rather self-explanatory," said Itachi shrugging.

Sasuke blinked, thought that rule over, then shrugged as well. Such a rule was pretty self-explanatory, even if it was slightly annoying being forced to prove you knew how to throw and actually hit with your kunai.

"What were the other rules?" asked Sasuke. As much as it irked him, while he did pass the basic training of being considered a satellite Akatsuki member (he had the option of being made a full one if any died...which was a regular occurrence with Kakuzu's partners) he did not place in the top ten.

"' _If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting._ ' Some of the rules are rather funny," said Deidara.

Kakuzu smirked. "You mean like the one that states ' _If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids._ ' I have to admit, whoever came up with that list is a genius."

That set off a debate on the pros and cons of all the items on the "List" as it was now being called, as some of the rules made very little sense while others seemed to be a reminder for the "Evil Overlord" to use his head for once.

The one that bothered Pein the most was the rule stating "I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant."

Mostly because in Amegakure, he _was_ considered "God" (or at least part of the same set that Arashi belonged to, since the blond had cheerfully welcomed him into the family) whereas the actual leader of the Akatsuki was currently acting like a moronic idiot named Tobi.

Pein wasn't exactly _comfortable_ with the revelation that he might be the "trusted lieutenant" and not the one ruling the show. Such people usually ended up dead or unsuccessfully taking over when the one actually calling the shots ended up dead.

"So how are you guys liking the List?" snickered Naruto. Who knew handing something like that to Pein would have such an effect?

"Pein wanted me to say thank you for loaning him a copy. Our village has become far more efficient and even Kakuzu finds it hard to complain about things that should be common sense," said Konan.

"Including the 'five year old adviser'?" snickered Naruto.

"Especially the 'five year old adviser'," said Konan.

Five year old children, even shinobi raised ones, were surprisingly perceptive and quite a few flaws had been found and summarily corrected within the first week of Pein being handed the list. Things like having all their sensors being reliant on the ever present rain. As Naruto had so pointedly demonstrated, rain could be cleared away (though not without some difficulty for _normal_ shinobi) and they'd be left blind to the whereabouts to intruders.

Hence why all their patrols and genin had to memorize the _only_ safe routes to and from the gates. All civilians were escorted through a tunnel that only allowed people with the Uzumaki-special passes to come and go. All others were kept outside via a nasty barrier trap that attacked anyone with more than a chunin's worth of chakra.

If that wasn't enough, Naruto had employed the "shinobi's special entrance".

The short and simple of it was that the main gates were now boobytrapped. Any shinobi trying to enter through them to the fake greeters would get hit with a nasty lightning jutsu that stunned them good, while the Rain shinobi verified they were who they said they were by going in through the above ground entranced that looked like slots for arrows and kunai launchers.

Thanks to a passive genjutsu, it only _looked_ like people were going through and getting lost in the crowd.

Besides, everyone knew that any real shinobi went through the window.

Konan snorted.

"Of course one of his _favorite_ rules was about making convoluted plans against the enemy. Mostly because it made far more sense than the plan our real leader made to bring permanent peace," said Konan.

"You mean ' _I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."_ What was the original plan?" asked Naruto.

"Collect the nine bijuu, seal them in one big statue and then resurrect the juubi using someone with an active sharingan to cast a giant genjutsu," said Konan flatly.

Naruto stared at her.

"And you really thought the shinobi would just lie down and allow their jinchuriki to be sealed, and a monster brought back just to force a genjutsu down everyone's throats?"

"Again, I thank you heartily for giving him that list. Not only have you made our village more effective, you've given him a very good reason to doubt the efficacy of Madara's plan. Your plan is simple, straight to the point, and more likely to work because if the shinobi don't like it, they can't exactly _stop_ you without bringing down the people who pay them in force," said Konan.

Blue hair or not, she was extremely pragmatic, and she had had doubts of Madara's plan for _years_.

Naruto's blue eyes honed in on hers with laser intensity.

"Did you say Madara? As in Madara _Uchiha?_ " he asked slowly, emphasizing the Uchiha part.

"Yes, why?"

"Any chance you tell me when he's in the village again? My entire family (and Kurama) would like to have...words...with him. More than they want to have words with that old monkey," said Naruto.

"What did that idiot do?"

"He's the reason the nine tails had to be resealed and I was raised an orphan," deadpanned Naruto.

Konan winced. Considering how badly the Fourth Hokage took a random shinobi village's attempts to harass Amegakure because it was smack dab in the middle of several territories of other villages, she did not envy Tobi.

Madara, the ass, would get everything he deserved. Tobi, not so much.


End file.
